As with my May 2014 stopover at Barber Motorsports Museum,
I was recently in an employer-funded position to visit Nashville. Although it
should be pretty clear that I’m referring to the capital of Tennessee, I was
shocked to discover that there are no fewer than thirteen other imposters also
named Nashville in the U.S. I doubt any hillbilly crooner ever mistakenly ended
up in Nashville, Iowa or Nashville, Maine attempting to break into country
music but it’s funny to imagine nonetheless.
I was also similarly surprised when I learned that
Tennessee was experiencing an outbreak of measles, a malady that by all
accounts has been off the CDC’s radar since 2000. Thus, the prospect of
traveling to a state where there was a likelihood of getting a communicable
childhood disease was about as comforting as hearing dueling banjos on a
wilderness canoe trip.
Nevertheless, Nashville holds a special place in my heart
as it was the first stopover for my wife and I on our honeymoon. Fun Fact: we
had originally planned to vacation in Key West, Florida but due to the
formation of Hurricane Isaac in the Gulf we decided to head north rather than
south. Two years prior, Hurricane Georges had caused immense damage and
flooding to our area and given the unpredictability of those storms we decided
to play it safe and head for the mountains. We had a wonderful time in
Nashville, as well as Gatlinburg and Chattanooga, and always intended on
bringing our daughter back someday. However, despite our best intentions,
sixteen years slipped by since our inaugural visit as we invariably postponed
Tennessee for other destinations such as the Bahamas, Mexico, Washington and
even Disneyworld (three times). So when the opportunity arose to take a trip to
Nashville on the bank’s dollar, I didn’t have to think twice; Amanda took the
week off and we pulled Victoria out of school.
To pass the time on the seven-hour drive, I decided to
dispense a few choice tidbits of Tennessee trivia I’d researched beforehand.
Truth be told, my wife and daughter both looked to be quite enthralled with
their pursuits but I was determined nonetheless. Amanda was busy texting on her
iPhone and Victoria was watching “Zootopia” on her laptop, her brow furrowed as
seriously as if she was taking the SAT. So, it seemed like the perfect time to
tell them that Nashville has the United States' highest population of Kurdish
people. There was dead silence, so I followed that up with the official census
estimate of 11,000. Sensing my frustration, Amanda looked up briefly from her
phone as if to acknowledge and mumbled a half-hearted reply about cheese. I
then had to spend the remainder of the trip convincing them that I was not
talking about cheese curds and that Nashville did not have the United States'
largest population of lactose-intolerant citizens.
In North Alabama, we stopped off to refuel in Priceville
which nearly straddles the Tennessee line. Pulling away from a red light, and
for reasons unknown, a young fellow in a late 1990’s V6 Mustang with side-pipes
decides to challenge us. Amanda flat-foots the throttle and the Mustang rapidly
falls back. Alas, the aging mare’s 3.8-liter six cylinder makes more noise than
power and its 145 hp is no match for the Hyundai’s 280 turbocharged horses. If
back in 2000 someone had told me that on our next visit to Nashville we’d be in
an SUV that possessed nearly 300 hp and averaged 30 mpg, I would’ve had them
committed to the nearest mental institution.
Nashville has earned the metonyms Cashville or Nash
Vegas to describe it’s showbiz roots, but it’s also the place that gave
birth to such southern religions as the television show “Hee Haw” and GooGoo
Clusters. These confections are recognized by many Tennesseans as one of
the four main food groups along with lard, moonshine and biscuits. This despite
the fact that Nashville struggles daily with the knowledge that Chattanooga
sells it’s more successful and better-tasting Moon Pie. It’s a rivalry
every bit as fierce as the symbiotic relationship between Donald Trump and his
hair.
I was just thankful that my seminar was scheduled for May
and not June, when the “Nashville Pride” festival kicks off. This is a LGBT
festival that fosters awareness for “gender-confused” individuals. At odds with
this alternative lifestyle is Nashville’s Protestant roots and it’s 700
churches. In addition to being the world’s largest manufacturer of bibles,
Nashville also makes the Gideon Bibles. You’ll recognize these tiny tomes if
you’ve ever rifled through the drawers in your hotel room unsuccessfully
looking for money or other valuables. My only regret was that the Miss Pole Dance America 2016
was the week after we left.
As we get close to Nashville, the omnipresent billboards
begin appearing. I always find it fascinating to see the advertisements that
remain as unique as the cities we visit. A few years ago, we travelled to Dallas
and were inundated with offers for “Microsurgical Vasectomy Reversal”. Every
time we visit Disney, the signs outside Orlando for Strip Clubs and Adult
Novelty shops foretell our arrival. And with Nashville, the popular service
seems to be “Robotic Hair Transplants”. But the best sign was beside a rural
pasture that stated, “THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.” When I was growing up in
the 1970s, I was eagerly looking forward to the new Millennium as I was certain
we would have laser guns and flying cars. Somehow, Vasectomy Reversal and Hair
Transplants were not at the top of my wish list.
Interestingly, Nashville has been featured in two of our
favorite movies. Victoria loves “Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief” and
the full-scale replica of the Greek Parthenon in Centennial Park was featured
prominently in the movie. Also, in the opening chase sequence of the “The
Matrix” Keanu Reeves attempts to elude his captors against an ominous
silhouette of the Nashville skyline. Colloquially known as the “Batman
Building” the 33-story AT&T Tower is the most distinctive landmark in
Nashville, in much the same way the Empire State Building is in New York or the Transamerica Pyramid is in San
Francisco. It’s not only the tallest building in Nashville, but also the entire
state. However, to me it’s always appeared to be some sort of Satanic Spire
that I’d imagine an evil entity like the National Telemarketers Association
occupying.
Perhaps even more perplexing than the bizarre
advertisements are Nashville’s traffic signs. The third lane is not only
designated as a HOV Lane but also one for “Inherently Low Emission Vehicles”.
Much like the HOV lane encourages carpooling to conserve natural resources and
cut down on greenhouse gases, this apparently promotes purchasing a hybrid
vehicle. But as you would imagine, it can be difficult (if not impossible) to
enforce. I doubt your average patrolman knows the difference between a Tesla
and a Toyota. A report by WKRN in Nashville found that there’s up to a 96%
violation rate of motorists illegally using the HOV lane. Apparently, most
Tennessee drivers feel that the low $50 fine and the slight chance of getting
caught is worth the gamble. And statistics seems to reinforce this as in 2014,
police wrote just 281 citations for HOV violations.
Opryland is one giant Rainforest Café
Opryland is so huge in fact, that a quarter-mile long river
circulates through it. I insisted we take the $30 riverboat cruise because,
quite frankly, I couldn’t think of another time I might get to ride a boat
inside a hotel. During the tour, our guide informed us that there’s over
200 fish in the river, most of which are Bluegill, Carp and Catfish. He also
mentioned that all of the trees and plants throughout Opryland are real and
represent different regions. To illustrate this, he pointed out a Pineapple
Guava tree from Hawaii and a Black Olive tree that’s indigenous to Florida.
Additionally, Opryland features 17 restaurants divided over
its six-levels and offers nearly every ethnic cuisine—American, Asian, Irish,
Italian and Mexican. Yet naturally, this didn’t impress my daughter. No, she
was most excited that they had a Starbucks she could visit 24 hours a day, just
in case she needed a Citrus Berry Passion Refresher at 10 PM.
There’s also a multitude of high-end retailers such as Johnston & Murphy and Swarovski. Incidentally, the Swarovski store had a “Sale” on a special
jewel-encrusted mirror for $9,999 that would even make the evil queen in “Snow
White” jealous. Noticing our interest, the saleswoman urged us to buy it now or
it might be gone. She said they sold one the previous month and this was the
last one. I lied and told her we already had one and didn’t need another. The
look on her face was priceless. We also stumbled upon a complete radio station
broadcasting live right down from the Jack Daniel’s Saloon. In fact, it was
here in 1950 that WSM announcer David Cobb coined the sobriquet “Music City”
and it stuck. It was also mentioned that prior to Wheel of Fortune, host
Pat Sajak got his start here. Besides serving as the on-air afternoon
personality, he also doubled as a voice-over
announcer and weekend weathercaster in the 1970s.
But Opryland hasn’t always been an affluent paradise.
Exactly six-years prior to the day we arrived, it was briefly turned into a
facsimile of the Florida Everglades when a 1,000-year flood hit the area with
two-day rain totals of more than 19 inches. This caused the Cumberland River to
swell twelve-feet above flood stage and overflow into the hotel. An estimated
71.3 million gallons were later pumped out of Opryland and repairing the resort
required over 281,000 square feet of carpeting and more than a million drywall
screws. Following this natural disaster, the Gaylord Entertainment Company
attempted to sue the Tennessee Corps of Engineers for the $250 million it
sustained in damages. The suit alleged that the Corps and the National Weather
Service acted negligently and inadequately communicated with each other before
and during the storm. It also contended that the Corps waited too long to
release water from Old Hickory dam, while the weather service issued inaccurate
river-stage forecasts. However, a U.S. district judge dismissed the lawsuits
citing a ruling that under a 1928 law the government has legal immunity.
On Friday, we set out to see what was beyond the fishbowl
we had been staying in and show Victoria Nashville. Fortunately, the traffic on
I-40 wasn’t too bad as Atlanta still holds the record in our book for worst
metro congestion. However, it was clear that the Dunning-Kruger Effect was alive and thriving in Tennessee. An oblivious
teen-aged girl in an abused Altima nearly took off the front of our Santa Fe as
she dived across three lanes to catch an exit she was about to miss. And the 70
MPH speed limit was either much too fast or much too slow for everyone. A new
Infiniti with an elderly man at the wheel was dragging along at 40 mph in the
passing portion of the highway and we got stuck behind him as an endless stream
of impatient drivers passed us on the right. Finally, as we got free of him and
sped up to 80 mph, there were still aggressive motorists whipping around us who
deemed 100 mph to be a reasonable and prudent speed. Without fail, it always
seems to be the people in rolling death traps who drive the fastest and take
the most risks. It goes against logic that someone in a sports car would be in
the slower percentile of traffic, but that’s what I’ve witnessed in countless
years of driving. That theory was reinforced when we spotted a beautiful 2013
Fire Orange BMW M3 clinging tenaciously to the speed limit. Just one of 200
equipped with the “Lime Rock Park Edition” package, it included beautiful black
bits of carbon fiber and a shiny Inconel-titanium exhaust. With its
415 hp V-8, it should have easily been leading the pack, but the grey-haired
driver was content to simply cruise at legal speeds. I observed him in heavy
traffic for several minutes and he never tail-gated anyone and always used his
blinker when switching lanes. It was an impressive example of self-control
behind the wheel.
We exited at Broadway, the world-renown “Music Row”, and
were quite frankly shocked at how much it had changed in 16 years. When we
lasted visited in 2000, Nashville was a quiet and clean straight-laced town.
But now, it was more Bourbon Street than old Broadway. Like New Orleans, there
was a persistent stench of garbage in the air and homeless people littered the
sidewalks. A haggard, toothless woman lay slumped in a corner offering a
plastic cup for spare change and seemingly every other business was a bar of
some sorts. We managed to park in an alley right off Broadway but the $11
charge for one hour suddenly made the parking at Opryland seem cheap. And
crossing the street, we were nearly struck by a crazy, twelve-seat contraption
called a “Pedal Tavern”. The
ultimate in sloth and gluttony for the discriminating beer-drinker, these
mobile beer kegs allow people to literally drink and drive as they see the
sights. We briefly stopped in the Savannah
Candy Kitchen, but it too was swamped with tourists. Regrettably, we
spent more time waiting in line to buy salt water taffy than perusing the
offerings. And as we left, it was sad to see how our previous happy memories of
Music Row were tainted by the current prostitution of it.
Our next stop was about 5 miles east of Nashville on the
Murfreesboro Pike. There we found the Lane
Motor Museum, a place described by the New York Daily News as the “World’s
Wackiest Car Museum”. Indeed, if your tastes run to obscure and bizarre,
chances are Jeff Lane has it. Typical museums feature mainstream cars, but the
collection of oddities at the Lane Motor Museum (LMM) leads me to believe there
might be a gas leak in the converted Sunbeam bakery that affected poor Jeff’s
judgment. With his gray hair, goatee and ponytail, he resembles a hipster
Colonel Sanders. There’s no apparent rhyme or reason to the assembled 330 cars
other than it is the largest selection of European vehicles in the U.S. And
examining the collection, it’s almost as if the only criteria was insanity. How
else to explain everything from a tiny, three-wheeled Trident bubble car to a
monstrous, Vietnam-era LARC-LX that could transport 200 military troops?
Herewith are some of the highlights:
2015 Honda S660 and 1990 Honda Beat
LMM might have the most European cars under one roof in
North America, but it’s clear Jeff Lane also loves quirky Japanese cars.
Neither the 2015 Honda S660 or the 1990 Honda Beat were stateside, but they
remain fun roadsters in the vein of the del Sol and S2000. Honda has promised
it’s working on a version of the S660 for the U.S. market, but so far nothing
has materialized. In Japan, the S660 is powered by a petite turbocharged
three-cylinder generating 63 hp and a top speed of 87 mph. With a JDM price of
2,000,000 Yen, it would retail in America for roughly 15,000 Yankee dollars.
1932 Helicron
In terms of one-of-a-kind weirdness, it would be hard to
top the Helicron. This example--- the only one in existence--- was built in
1932 and features a propeller-driven engine. Few details are known about it
other than it languished in a French barn for over 70 years before being
discovered. It was meticulously restored and the original two-cylinder engine
has been replaced by a modern Citroen four-cylinder. The propeller even works
and is coupled directly to the crankshaft. Unbelievably, the Helicron passed
the French Highway Inspection in 2000 and is legal to be driven on their roads.
Herewith, the perfect vehicle for touring the Paris countryside as well as
slicing baguette loaves.
1968 M.E.P. X27
The M.E.P. was named for its inventor, Maurice Emile
Pezous. He was a French aeronautics engineer by trade, but a racing enthusiast
by nature. The X27 was mildly successful in European racing and approximately
20 were built from 1965-1971. Weighing just 865 lbs., it had a top speed of 130
mph and examples are still actively raced in vintage rallies today.
2015 Nissan GT-R LM Nismo
The newest offering in the museum belonged to Nissan. I
don’t know how Lane procured this prototype, one of just 3 produced, but I’m
sure it cost more than most of his museum combined. This car was Nissan’s
ill-fated foray into the high-stakes World Endurance Championship which is
currently dominated by the likes of Audi and Porsche. Starting with a
clean-sheet of paper, Nissan created an unconventional hybrid-powered
LMP1-class racer that broke all the unwritten rules of the series: it uses a
front-mounted engine instead of a mid-engine, it develops nearly 1500 hp on
high-octane gasoline instead of diesel, and it employs front-wheel drive
instead of rear-wheel drive. Sometimes innovation pays off and sometimes it
doesn’t. In Nissan’s case, reliability issues plagued the trio of GT-Rs during
their debut race at LeMans and only one managed to finish. Given this
embarrassing defeat, the GT-R was pulled from all future races and there’s no
telling how many Nissan employees committed Seppuku as a result.
1967 Caldwell D-7 Can-Am Race Car
The Nissan might be the most technologically advanced, but
this Can-Am car was clearly the most dangerous and brutal. From an era known as
racing’s lawless glory years, the joint Canadian and American (Can-Am) project
had basically no rules other than for teams to drive as fast as possible.
Unfettered by such silly things as safety, these fiberglass coffins weighed
just 1,660 lbs and were shoved down the road by up to 1,580 hp, hitting speeds
of 240 mph. Occupant protection was considered trivial and limited to a tiny
roll-bar and a thin lap belt. It’s no wonder then, that Bruce McLaren’s death
in an M8D Can-Am car in 1970 spelled the beginning of the end for
the perilous series.
Micro
Machines
I included this picture for point of reference as to how
small some of these actual cars are. Interestingly, there’s also an annual Rally for the Lane
benefit where 48 cars are selected and participants who pay $500 or more can
actually drive them on an organized route.
Saturn
1B Launch Vehicle
Although
this was spotted in Huntsville, I couldn’t resist including it since it’s a
Saturn and secondly, it’s clearly the fastest with a combined 1,800,000 lbs. of
thrust. It saw a total of 9 successful launches from both Cape Canaveral and
Kennedy Space Center beginning in 1966 and ending in
1975.
Sadly, we also passed by Saturn Parkway in Springhill, Tennessee where GM
manufactured my Ion Red Line and I visited in 1994. The factory is still going
strong building other GM vehicles, and the auto-giant recently announced they
were investing millions of dollars into expanding it.
Finally,
our time at Opryland had come to an end. Victoria and Amanda were reluctant to
leave, but I was ready. We’d had the run of the place for most of the week, but
on Friday it was besieged by 4,000 kids for the National Elementary
Chess Championship. With the hotel overrun by their influx, even something
as simple as breakfast became a chore. We showed up at 7 a.m. on Saturday for
our departing meal only to discover that there was an hour wait. Also, the
thousands of blooming flora and fauna, while certainly beautiful, had done a
real haymaker on my allergies. I sneezed in the morning, I sneezed in the
afternoon, and I sneezed at night so maybe I’m just not cut out for life under
the dome after all.
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