Future Talk

From: Myself (July 20, 2018)

To: Myself (July 20, 1988)

Dear Chip,

I’m writing this to you from 30 years in the future. I know you’re particularly excited today because last night you drove a Ferrari for the first time. Naturally, I can’t divulge too much about the future, but I can answer a few of the questions I know you’re thinking.

Of course, the biggest and most important concern to you isn’t your job, your marriage, or your finances, but I can happily confirm that at 50 years old, you still have a healthy head full of hair! Sadly, even three decades into the future there’s no permanent cure for male pattern baldness. However, you somehow dodged the genetic bullet that robbed your paternal forebears of their manly locks.

The bad news is that despite the incredible advances in technology we have in 2018, society itself is quite a mess. If you thought a movie star president was bad, imagine having a philandering real estate mogul as commander-in-chief! Similarly, the old-fashioned family values that our country was founded upon are virtually non-existent. You might not understand some of the terminology—but trust me on this—you will eventually! We have a coddled generation that eats Tide pods, thinks everything should be free, needs safe spaces, are gender-confused, believes everyone who disagrees with their opinion MUST be racist/misogynist or homophobic, and even touching or looking at a woman can be considered a micro-aggression which demands the male offender be publicly vilified.

Computers, both large and small, are huge in the future and are used for everything. I know in 1988 playing with a home computer makes you a “nerd”, but in 2018 it has swung the other way, and you’re really weird if you don’t own some type of computer.

As for entertainment, enjoy the music and movies you have, as going forward the Eighties will be widely acknowledged as the best period in history for both. In fact, many of the hit movies from your era will be remade with disastrous results. Trust me; you can’t imagine how bad “Ghostbusters” will be with four women!

But the real reason I’m writing this is to tell you that you will finally get the Ferrari that your heart so desperately desires. It’s a ways off, and there are a lot of ups and downs during the journey, but eventually you will achieve that goal.

However, I’m here to tell you that it’s not really all it’s cracked up to be. I know you won’t believe me, so I’ve decided to explain why.

The Ferrari you will finally get is a 2000 F360 Modena F1 that possesses a 400hp 3.6-liter V8. That makes it more powerful and roughly 500 lbs. less than the Testarossa you drove last night. A lot of the weight savings is realized by Ferrari’s first use of an all-aluminum chassis. Although much more expensive than steel, future automakers will adopt aluminum since it’s considerably lighter and stiffer. The 360 has a top speed of 175 mph, but that’s rather academic, as police enforcement and automobile congestion is so bad in 2018 that you can scarcely exceed the speed limit. Despite that, driving to a car show, you seize the opportunity to briefly hit 120 mph, and you’ll marvel at how easily the Ferrari reaches it and how stable it is. The only disappointment will come from realizing you could have gone much faster had the Gulf Coast tourist traffic not prevented it.

That high-speed confidence is due to the amazing bodywork, which looks as great as it performs. Unlike the V8 Ferraris that preceded it, the 360 is a clean-sheet design, and the exterior has been sculpted by 5,400 hours of precise wind-tunnel development. It’s the first production Ferrari to create downforce without the use of an external wing like the F40, and in addition to reducing aerodynamic lift, it develops 400 pounds of downforce at 150 mph.

Regrettably, the stunning silhouette is the singular best thing about the 360, yet ironically it’s a feature you can’t appreciate when driving it. But don’t worry, every cop within a 50-mile radius will notice, and countless junkyard Honda Civics will try to race you.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but when you do finally get it, you’ll be too afraid to even drive it. That’s because everything on it is crazy expensive (like $3,500 for 8 spark plugs and 8 new ignition coils) and you’ll discover that it’s safest only when hidden away in your garage. Aside from one car show and a trip to work, you’ll never drive further than 5 miles from your house in it. This is primarily because it might unexpectedly break down, and you’re not comfortable leaving it anywhere in public where it’s out of your sight. At one point, you’ll go six weeks without even starting it, so it’s a good thing you have a special battery tender for it. However, the desire to exercise it will lead to some creative reasons for taking it out on a Saturday night, like a quick run to Dollar General. You’ll find the propinquity of parking a Ferrari at Dollar General to be quite amusing as the customers there will ogle you like Elvis stepping out of a UFO. Others will be more effusive, won’t respect your privacy, and will pummel you with personal inquiries asking if you won the lottery or have a rich uncle?

 

But this fear of driving it is not completely unfounded, as on two occasions, the 360 will temporarily leave you stranded: once in your driveway, and once at the tennis courts. Just remember that unlike every other car you’ve ever owned, the Ferrari requires the front bonnet and engine cover to both be securely closed or it won’t start. Also, the engine immobilizer seems to stall the car more for the actual owner than a would-be thief.

Unbelievably, since the 360 has a dry-sump oil system like a race car, you won’t even be able to check the oil while you have it, and you’ll just have to trust that the Ferrari dealer you paid $775 actually refilled it. This issue also extends to the Ferrari’s 39 dashboard instruments and controls of which the majority are unlabeled, hidden, or have a tiny, undecipherable pictogram on them. You aren’t even able to find where to open the fuel filler door, so I’ll go ahead and tell you now to save future embarrassment. Both the front bonnet and fuel filler door releases are located under a small, hinged compartment between the seats. Even more confusing is that the engine must be running to activate either, so you have to remember this before shutting the car off. And since both buttons are identical, there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll push the wrong one and pop open the front bonnet. In 2018, it’s widely accepted among the general populace that Ferrari owners are unworthy, as well as stupid, so the last thing you want to do is reinforce that stereotype by pulling up to a gas station and not even know how to access the fuel tank. Also, don’t be shocked the first time you fill it up, but it will cost almost $100 as it has a 25-gallon tank. Despite an unprecedented amount of U.S. crude oil reserves in the future, the gasoline industry will blame foreign wars and natural disasters so they can artificially inflate prices. A single gallon of 93 octane will cost nearly $4, almost a 400% increase from the $1 per gallon you enjoy in 1988! Lastly, don’t lose that Ferrari gas cap because a new one is $800!

Among the other reasons you’ll be terrified of the 360 is the decadent British Connolly leather. Yes, it’s buttery smooth and has a rich, intoxicating aroma that’s unmistakable. But it’s also as delicate as it is beautiful, and exposure to UV rays and heat causes the leather to warp and shrink. The dash is particularly susceptible, making the various heating and cooling vents pop out, necessitating a $6,000 repair. Leave it to Ferrari to craft an interior that’s as vulnerable to sunlight as Superman is to Kryptonite! 

Even worse, all the plastic knobs and switchgear are coated in a thin layer of plastic that begins to degrade over time, imparting an irritating stickiness to everything. You’ll think someone let a toddler with a syrup bottle loose in the car. Your Ferrari actually has this problem, but you’ve decided to live with it rather than disassemble the entire interior and pay a company like StickyNoMore or StickyRX several thousand dollars to refinish it. Despite that, it’s pretty disheartening to realize that the interior in a $150,000 Ferrari doesn’t even hold up as well as that of a 1995 Geo Metro!

Yet, the worst part of 360 ownership is the looming threat of maintenance when a typical belt service costs $3000 and a new clutch is $10,000. With an 18 year-old Ferrari, it’s not a question of if—but when—something is going to break. And when it inevitably fails, it does so in spectacular Ferrari fashion like the door cables stretching until they snap. In the embarrassing case of the previous owner, a UPS driver had to open the door from the outside so he could climb out. As such, you’ll quickly learn to whisper a silent prayer before every attempt to start it.

But even when it does crank, driving the Ferrari is a crash-course in anxiety. The magnesium wheels sacrifice durability for lightness, so even one errant pothole can do thousands of dollars in damage. Because of that, there’s no relaxing or lowering your guard as you’re constantly scanning the road ahead as if it were a minefield. Similarly, the F1 paddle-shift transmission is crude and unruly, producing such neck-snapping gear changes that the seismic jolts are measured on the Richter scale at the National Earthquake Center in Colorado. Engage first gear without enough revs, and the Ferrari stumbles away from a traffic light, but give it too much gas and suddenly you’re viewed by fellow motorists as a rich asshole showing off.

Parking maneuvers with the aluminum body are another heart stopper: The nose dives as sharply as The Red Baron, so it’s difficult to judge how far to pull up. Likewise, backing up with the hexagonal challenge grill is like trying to peer through the latticework in a Catholic confession booth. Eventually, you’ll learn to just take up two parking spots everywhere you go rather than risk damaging the paintwork. But, this too will draw the ire of nearby citizens who’ll perceive you as entitled, and think you did it solely out of hubris. 

And it’s blasphemous to admit, but after a few miles of arrow-straight driving, the Ferrari seems almost ordinary. The only clues that you’re driving a supercar are the swooping front fenders and the rear view that resembles the jet-intake of an F16. Well, that and the rough ride, which makes a 2006 Saturn feel like a Cadillac in comparison.

Most people would consider buying a Ferrari to be their greatest achievement, but personally, managing to sell mine before anything broke is what I’m most proud of.

Chip, I know the previous comments are unlikely to dissuade you from eventually buying one, but I hope I’ve at least debunked the unrealistic fantasy that Ferraris are enshrouded in. Truthfully, you’ll probably never own another car that's as beautiful, or one that sounds as perfect as it does. Yet, for a brief, shining moment in the Summer of 2018, you experienced the magic and lived to tell about it. But, remember this important life lesson: A Ferrari is like a hot girl with an STD, no matter how good she looks, you’d better stay away!