Burger Bonanza!
First started in 1947, it actually beat rival In-N-Out Burger in nearby Baldwin Park by one year and was owned by an African-American woman, Lovie Yancey.
Also, my literal journey to Fatburger was nearly as confusing and mystifying as the events surrounding JFK's assassination. For starters, the nearest Fatburger opened in Alexandria, Louisiana in 2020, but the four-hour drive and it's location (virtually in the middle of nowhere) meant that it closed with a whimper in 2023. Incidentally, the new store is even more isolated but at least it's 2.5 hours closer. Despite that, I still think it's probably the weirdest Fatburger location in the U.S., if not the world.
Unlike the clean and modern (albeit shuttered) venue in Alexandria, this location seemingly followed none of the distinctive hallmarks of a Fatburger store. And until I clamped my eyes on it in person, it wasn't clear if it was located in a Chevron, Shell or Pilot gas station (all three had referenced it). Even the address— 65583 Pump Slough Road— sounded crude and unwelcoming. Google's omnipresent Street View was equally flummoxed, offering only an 8 year-old snapshot of a ramshackle building with bars on the windows and a dusty, gravel parking lot.
Despite that, the Google listing promised that it was open, but I knew better than to trust our A.I. overlords.
Obviously, there was no phone number, so I tried searching and discovered two separate numbers for the address it was listed at. One was for the "Sunny Time Chevron" and the other was on the Pilot/Flying J website. Both were dead ends as one stated that voicemail was not set up, and the other said calls were not being accepted.
Undeterred, I then tried emailing Fatburger but ran into more complications as their website "Contact Form" was a flowchart with no email. Furthermore, it required you to pick a location before you could proceed and the Pearl River franchise wasn't even listed, although the closed Alexandria store was. I then tried googling the email address and found one for the CFO of Fatburger as well as a general mailbox.
Amazingly, those two were also rejected and I quickly discovered that Fatburger has the most unfriendly social media presence of any product I've ever come across! Then again, it kind of goes lockstep with the absolutely abysmal rating of 1.2 stars the Fatburger Corporate Office has garnered on Google.
By this point, I was pretty frustrated and even wondering if driving the 100 miles would be worth it? After all, this was a lot of damn work for just a hamburger, even counting the thirty years I had been waiting to try it!
Also contributing to our protracted mastication schedule was Amanda
fainting and taking a nasty fall in our kitchen just 5 days before we
were scheduled to try Fatburger. Aside from a brain bleed, the impact
also damaged her olfactory nerves so badly that she wasn't able to taste
or smell anything. That clearly wasn't on my bingo card and
understandably sucked a lot of excitement and energy out of the
excursion. After all, who wants to eat anything if you can't enjoy it?
So, I tabled our trip indefinitely and put it on the back burner until
Amanda's first consultation with a neurologist. In the meantime, I had
her smelling various strong scents daily in an effort to retrain her
brain and reverse the Anosmia.
So, in the meantime I decided to work my way up to Fatburger's biggest offering by consuming a couple other slightly smaller (but still massive) current fast food burgers.
First up, I had Denny's "Beetlejuicy Burger" which, despite the name, does not contain any juicy beetles. No, it was actually a marketing tie-in with the Beetlejuice sequel playing in theaters. And thankfully, the burger was much better than the movie with three 4 oz. patties, three strips of bacon, three slices of provolone cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes and topped with Denny's "Diner Q" sauce, which tasted suspiciously like Thousand Island. (Spoiler Alert: the "Wavy-Cut" fries that accompanied it were the best of all three places I tried.) Because it was a limited-time offering and Denny's wasn't exactly keen on divulging the artery-clogging numbers, I was unable to find an official tally although one report claimed that it had 1,790 calories which seems fairly accurate. FUN FACT: it's also nearly the same amount of calories recommended for an active adult to eat in 24 hours, never mind that I'd be having it for a lunch snack. The fries added another 400 calories, but at this point, who's counting?
Next up was the "Gold Medal Burger"— Red Robin's nod to the 2024 Summer Olympics with three 6 oz. patties that they assert closely replicates the weight of a real gold medal. It was served with three slices of (obviously) American Cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes and a red sauce dubbed "Red's Relish." Despite boasting over a quarter-pound more beef, online estimates place the Gold Medal Burger at 1,770 calories. For that I blame the absent bacon strips, which were present on the Denny's burger, but were sadly not an option at Red Robin. Seriously, how can you have a burger that personifies America but doesn't include some kind of bacon on it?
Incidentally, I noticed that the Pearl River ran nearby (hence the pump slough reference) and I remarked to Amanda that this was the very same estuary responsible for carving out the Mississippi Grand Canyon we visited in November 2022. It was also a mnemonic of the wild uncertainty of life and literally how anything is possible— I would never have believed that 22 months later I'd be visiting my first Fatburger in a Louisiana swamp. I'd always imagined it would be in a large metro area like Miami so it was truly akin to something like a fever dream.
Fortunately, geographically getting to Fatburger was largely trouble-free as we simply drove west on I-10 for roughly an hour before we hit what I refer to as the Slidell cloverleaf. It's that crucial 4-way convergence wherein you either continue south on Interstate 10, west on Interstate 12 or north on Interstate 59. As expected, taking any of these routes leads you in vastly different directions. I say this because the first (and last time) I ever took I-59 was after an all-night bender on Bourbon Street. My buddy Rick and I were heading home and since he was less drunk, he was logically the designated driver. I was attempting to sleep in the passenger seat when he woke me up to ask which way to go at the cloverleaf. When he inquired if we were headed in the right direction, I quickly agreed so he'd leave me alone and then I proceeded to pass back out. I remained undisturbed for approximately 30 minutes, or however long it took his alcohol-addled brain to fully process that the signs for Hattiesburg meant we were completely lost.
Heading north on I-59, we passed the "No Pay No Stay No Play" Mobile Home Park. No kidding, I thought it was some sort of joke until I
googled it later. However, the reviews are pretty predictable, with one
person named Hunney Addams (no relation) succinctly stating, "You don't want to live here. The only nice thing I can say is it was affordable." and another reviewer remarked, "If this is the place im thinking of. It is a run down trailer park." which pretty much summed up my estimation also. Despite that, their no-nonsense name is more pragmatic than a French Quarter escort.
However, even without the debilitating effects of a drunken stupor Fatburger still would have been easily missed had I not been actively searching for it. It turns out, the previous tiny building has been completely steamrolled for a massive new structure that is part liquor store, part fast food joint and part gas station. But whizzing past on I-59 at speeds averaging 85 mph, it takes eagle eyes and fast reflexes to spot the tiny Fatburger marquee, quietly hidden below a giant Pilot sign broadcasting 24/7 gas prices.
We parked next to a row of shiny, new Tesla Supercharging stations (none of which were occupied) and strolled into the stunning travel center which looked like somewhere we'd stop outside Orlando, not alligator-infested Cajun Country.
Inside, there was a small food court where Fatburger was flanked by an Arby's and a Chacha's Dhaba Indian restaurant. From a business perspective, the Arby's was a no-brainer, but I was truly bewildered over who thought a middle-eastern eatery in a Southern Louisiana gas station was a shrewd investment? Pearl River is 83% Caucasian and Indian isn't even represented in the demographics. Someone didn't read the room because all the customers I saw were more interested in crawfish than curry. And it was indeed a puzzling location— when I sent a photo of Fatburger to my co-worker Richard, he asked where I was, inquiring if I was in a mall or airport?
However, it's a new era and Fatburger has had
to (unfortunately) diversify their menu to reflect silly little nuisances
like climate change and market dynamics. As such, items previously
considered unthinkable like veggie burgers and turkey burgers are now
available. And
for the hipsters and millennials, there's even Gluten-Free Buns and
Dairy-Free Cheese. Just don't order the Vegan shake, as I discovered
that at a whopping $10.99 it costs more than a half-pound Fatburger and
doesn't even contain any booze, something that should be considered heresy in a state known for it's drive-thru daiquiri shops. Prior to visiting, I had joked about the
unhealthy items like the XXXL Burger and Fat Fries, but I didn't
realize it was the prices (and not the food) that would give me a heart
attack!
But, I hadn't driven 100 miles and waited 30 years to cut any corners and homogenize my first Fatburger meal. I wanted the full, unadulterated experience: Gimme all the calories, saturated fat and protein of 100% pure ground beef just as God intended. So, I ordered the 1.5-lb. XXXL Burger which is the largest available and boasts as much beef as SEVEN Big Macs! It was $19.59 and adding a side with a medium drink brought it to $27.09. Victoria got the Western Bacon BBQ Burger Meal for $20.19 and Amanda picked the $18.99 1000 Island Burger Meal. We decided to each get a different side that matches our personality so Victoria clearly chose the Sweet Potato fries, I settled on the Fat Fries because I'm always salty and Amanda got the Onion Rings due to her making me cry so much. As such, our total came to over $70 which I consider pretty pricey just for a fast food lunch.
As the meal arrived, I can't remember any time I've ever gotten a hamburger that had not one, but three massive patties actually hanging over the sides of the bun. Pictures truly don't do it justice and it reminds me of the old Burger King commercial that proclaimed it takes two hands to handle a Whopper. With my XXXL Fatburger, I felt I needed at least three hands since I couldn't get my mouth around it to take a bite, and even then it was collapsing under it's own enormous weight, shedding chunks of mayonnaise-drowned lettuce and chopped raw onions everywhere. At one point, a whole tomato slice slipped out and dropped into my lap leaving a huge, greasy stain. As my Dad would joke, it looked like an inside job!
But, the patties were perfectly cooked and still steaming as I consumed them, and it seemed like I was eating for an awfully long time. I suppose I've never considered how much ground beef is actually in 1.5 pounds but it was certainly satisfying. For most people, 24 ounces of meat in a burger is complete overkill, but I read that such gluttony actually dates back to Medieval times. The late sociologist
Priscilla Ferguson described it as an expression of identifiably
American connections between abundance and country. “Overeating both
honors country and transgresses social norms,” Ferguson wrote in the
journal Contexts. It certainly sounds enlightening, but somehow I think my Health Insurance Provider might disagree.
And for those curious, Fatburger isn't shy and proudly posts the nutrition information for anyone to see. My "Triple King" rang in with 1,686 calories (ironically the lowest of the bunch), 96 grams of fat, 2,179 grams of sodium, and a whopping 129 grams of protein. But, pound-for-pound the most toxic menu item is the Cookies & Ice Cream Shake with 1,180 calories, 99 grams of sugar and 163 carbs! In comparison, the burger only sports 69 carbs and a middling 12 grams of sugar, plus a much healthier ingredient profile from the meat, bread and vegetables.
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