The Edge
of Resistance
All the Happiness, Sadness and Madness that is
Disney World.
Pirate Press March 2020
(Editor’s Note: I’ve had quite a few questions about
Galaxy’s Edge as well as the new Skyliners, so I decided to address them all in
one article.)
I was 8 in the Summer of 1977 when Star
Wars debuted and was oblivious to the initial phenomenon as it broke
box-office records around the globe. Fearing it would be a financial disaster
and would end his filmmaking career, George Lucas fled to Hawaii when it
premiered, only to be overwhelmed later when it became one of the highest
grossing films of all time.
Star Wars has always been big, but it didn’t really take off until Disney bought
it from George Lucas in 2012 for $4 Billion. Then, with the nearly limitless
marketing might of the House of Mouse behind it, Disney began working on ways
to recoup and grow its investment. When we visited in 2015, we were treated to
the Star Tours attraction in Hollywood Studios that offered several
missions from The Force Awakens, the first Star Wars movie to be
released under the Walt Disney umbrella. And on the closed backlot where the
new attractions would be built, I first spotted the name, “Galaxy’s Edge.” At
that point, I had only seen it referred to colloquially as “Star Wars Land” so it
was an exciting discovery.
Galaxy’s Edge officially opened four years later on Labor Day weekend 2019, although
only one of the featured attractions, Millennium Falcon: Smuggler’s
Run was available then. The more elaborate Rise of The Resistance
wasn’t ready until December 5th 2019. This was fine by me as last Summer Victoria’s
high school dance team won a trip to Nationals at Disney for late January 2020.
The timing would ensure that when we visited,
both rides would be open, and the crowds would be light (or at least that was
our initial plan.)
We would be arriving at Disney on the heels of a rare winter storm that
had plunged Florida’s temperatures to the coldest they’d seen in a decade. And
that frigid weather was responsible for creating a new local delicacy known as
“Chicken of the Trees.” Neither fish nor fowl, this was instead Iguanas, the
invasive reptilian species that nests in Florida’s foliage. But being
cold-blooded, they require the Sunshine State’s warmth to thrive. Without it,
the cold spell was temporarily immobilizing the lizards, causing them to fall
from the trees. Almost immediately, freshly-skinned Iguana meat began showing
up on Facebook Marketplace, touted as an “economical source of protein.” Although
Disney is constantly cranking out new treats to try, I don’t think we’ll be
seeing Iguana tacos anytime soon.
But,
as it turns out, lizards falling from the sky were the least of our worries.
Just before we left, it was announced that both Disney resorts in Hong Kong and
Shanghai were closed indefinitely due to dangers of the new Coronavirus. Upon
hearing the news, I was devastated! Amanda thought my concern for China was so compassionate
and praised me for getting in touch with my sensitive side. I then told her I
was so upset because the Disney stock I bought her for Christmas had dropped
nearly 10%. Suddenly, she agreed that China’s welfare be damned, they needed to
open those parks and get that Yen flowing again!
When
my 14-year-old daughter saw how distressed her Mother and I were over the
Coronavirus, I felt compelled to explain to her that no matter what she and her
friends had heard, it didn’t really come from drinking too many Mexican beers.
In fact, I told her that consuming too much of any alcohol makes you feel like
you are going to die. However, I said the good news was that since “Kung Flu”
was made in China, it shouldn’t last very long.
This was also the first time we’d be going to
Disney in something other than our own vehicle. Since it was an official school
function, a fancy 55-passenger charter bus was provided. Amanda and I jumped at
the chance to let someone else make the 8-hour drive and contend with the
atrocious Orlando traffic while we slept. I just hoped our driver was better
than Kobe’s pilot!
We left at 11:30 on a Wednesday night with 19
teenage girls and two other sets of parents onboard. Earlier, I’d wondered aloud
why so few parents elected to ride on the bus? But as the girls continued to
laugh, cut-up, and play the Renegade TikTok relentlessly, I began to see why. Like
a Guantánamo Bay detainee, I fully understood how a confined space,
sleep deprivation and annoying pop music was such an effective torture device.
So to help pass some of the time, I compared my New Year predictions with
those of the other adults. My #1 guess was
that Dave Ramsay would declare personal bankruptcy after admitting he never
took his own advice. Following that, I worked on a horror movie about rabbits
that I’m pitching to Netflix called "Rabbitoir." Trust me, when
they’re not chewing on carrots, those teeth can do some damage. I fully expect it to do for the Easter Bunny
what Jaws did for Great White sharks!
Around 3:30 AM, our bus driver, an African-American woman in her late 50s
with silver dreadlocks, succumbed to Mr. Sandman and began swerving and running
off the shoulder. She dutifully pulled into the next Rest Area and disappeared
for approximately ten minutes. Thankfully, whatever chemical or substance she abused
worked because she didn’t doze off again for the remainder of the trip. But
after those few heart-stopping moments, neither did I, keeping a watchful,
albeit bloodshot, eye on the road until we stopped in front of our hotel some five
hours later.
Hotel
Coronado
On a dark Florida highway, cool wind in my
hair
Warm smell of casitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
Our driver’s head grew heavy and her sight grew dim
We had to stop for the night.
Warm smell of casitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
Our driver’s head grew heavy and her sight grew dim
We had to stop for the night.
We pulled into Coronado Springs around 9am and were initially excited for
our first visit to one of Disney’s “Moderate” resorts. Previously, we had always stayed in the
“Value” resorts since we only used them to sleep a few hours each night and
didn’t need the fancy amenities. But with the dance company’s package, we were
staying at Coronado for value resort prices.
Located in the Animal Kingdom Resort Area, Coronado Springs is modeled
after Colonial Mexico with heavy Southwestern influences. From the front, it
looks like a massive 15-story hotel, but it’s only after you walk through the
lobby that you realize the sprawling complex behind it. In fact, it’s so big
that unlike other Disney resorts with one bus stop, Coronado has four that we
counted: One up front for our tour bus, one on the side for park pickup, one
for the Ranchos rooms, and one for the Casitas where we stayed. Our area
consisted of 5 white buildings that each had between 3-5 floors and looked
identical, which was a problem every night when we arrived bleary-eyed and
exhausted. A couple times we were dropped off at the wrong stop and had to ramble
through the convention center, which at 220,00 square-feet, is one of the
largest single-level hotel convention centers in the Southeast. Additionally,
to pick up her dance package with all our schedules, park tickets and passes,
we had to hike to the Ranchos which were a half-mile away on the very backside
of the property. Apparently, it would have made too much sense to have that in
front of the hotel where everyone could easily acquire it upon arrival.
The actual rooms, renovated in 2018, were only (dare I say it?) “moderately” better that what we were accustomed
to in the value resorts. Overall square-footage was about the same, but we got
a few Disney personal care items (hand lotion, etc.) and a Keurig coffee brewer
with some Joffery’s French Roast that Amanda was fond of. She didn’t drink any
of the coffee while we were there, but every morning she’d throw the K-Cups
into her suitcase so that housecleaning would replenish them. By the end of our
stay, she must have racked up 15 to take home with her!
Disney’s press material describes Coronado Springs as having “floating
gardens and an oasis which connects to the rest of the resort via a series of
bridges" which sounds glamorous until you’re forced to traverse that at
5am in cold, rainy darkness as I did. Simply put, Coronado was too big and made
us pine for the simplicity and easiness of the Value Resorts where a short walk
gets you promptly to your room or bus stop.
Despite our disappointment with Coronado, we were pleasantly surprised by
how efficient the new Skyliners were. Anyone who’s ever tried to park hop knows
to block off roughly an hour whether you’re using a boat, bus or monorail.
Thankfully, Disney’s new gondola lift system replaces the original Magic
Kingdom Skyway which closed in 1999 and provides a speedy path between its
service areas.
For us, we had breakfast reservations at the new Riviera Resort and we
were able to take the Skyliner directly to Epcot afterwards rather than waiting
for a bus. The Skyliner travels up to 60 feet in the air and at 11 MPH with no
waiting so it was infinitely faster. When we left Epcot, we took it back to
across to Hollywood Studios. While there’s no air-conditioning, the gondolas
use cross-ventilation panels and reflective glass to keep interior temperatures
comfortable. On chilly mornings the panels were closed. Similarly, on a warmer
day they were open. Still, I’m curious how hot they’ll get in the summer when
ambient temperature are over 100 degrees.
On Friday night after Victoria’s dance finals, we were treated to a
private party at Animal Kingdom from 10pm until Midnight. Provided you were one
of the dancers (or a family member who had paid $40 for a wristband) you were
able to roam the park and ride whatever you wanted as many times as you wanted.
Victoria and her squad rode Expedition
Everest five times in a row, and she joyfully screamed so much that she was
hoarse the next day. Meanwhile, Amanda and I were able to ride one of her
favorite attractions, Flight of Passage,
with just a 30 minute wait compared to the usual 3-hour delay. Based on the
winged Banshees from the Avatar
movie, it’s a high-thrill 4D flying simulator that sees you plunging off
2000-ft cliffs and doing other aerial maneuvers. You feel the sensation of
dropping, the wind in your hair, and even the salt spray from the ocean. It’s admittedly
too realistic for some, as four patrons required hospital visits within the
first nine months of its opening. Due to that, we had to sit through a
pre-recorded message that discouraged riders who had a fear of heights or were
prone to motion-sickness. Even so,
Amanda ended up sitting beside a young teenaged boy who severely over-estimated
his tolerance for the 4-minute experience. She said he repeatedly cried out for
his Mother and begged for them to stop the ride. Afterwards, she complained
that his hysterics ruined it for her, but personally I would have found it more
entertaining than the ride itself! (Below: Under Pandora's Bio-Luminescent Lights, Amanda accused me of overdosing on Crest Whitestrips!)
The Path of Most “Resistance”
We made it back to Coronado at 1am which gave me just four hours of sleep
before my alarm went off for arguably the single biggest attraction Disney
World has ever seen. That’s right, I’m
talking about Rise of the Resistance
which is so popular that Disney had to invent a new ticketing system for it.
Quite honestly, it’s a horribly convoluted process that sucks a lot of the fun
out of the experience. Unfortunately, it’s also very necessary.
There’s a perfect storm of obstacles surrounding admission into RotR and it goes something like this:
Insane demand from parkgoers to experience it, an 18-minute length that makes
it second only to the unloved Carousel of
Progress in overall duration, and frequent breakdowns that meant patrons
were constantly getting bumped back or not getting to ride at all. Despite those
daunting hurdles, my singular goal was to ride it at least once during our five
days at Disney.
They say the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese. So rather than being one of the first people waiting at Hollywood
Studios at 3am, I hedged my bets that I could catch the first bus that was
leaving Coronado at 6am and still be in the park by 7am when it opened. Of course,
Mother Nature wasn’t cooperating as not only was it still dark, but it was also
unseasonably rainy and cold. And thanks to Coronado’s sprawling layout, I had
to sprint a half-mile in those conditions to reach the bus stop. It didn’t help
that I had been feeling under the weather since we arrived, but that morning I
was feeling the worst of all. I tried to drink some water, but my throat hurt
so badly that it felt like I was swallowing shards of glass. I’ve never had
strep throat before, but I imagined that’s exactly what it would feel like.
Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to let that stop me!
No surprise, there were already about 15 guests huddled under the bus
stop when I arrived. For any other park, you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone
waiting that early in those conditions. But desperate times require desperate
measures. I checked the bus information and found it was running ahead of
schedule, now forecast to arrive before 6:00am. I frantically texted Amanda who
was supposed to be with me. However, Victoria had overslept and Amanda was held
up with her. Given the distance and deplorable weather, Amanda knew they
wouldn’t make it in time. So, like a wounded soldier, she pleaded with me to leave
and go on without her. I agreed, but only with the promise that we’d meet up as
soon as possible at Hollywood Studios.
When my bus pulled into Hollywood Studios some fifteen minutes later, I
was shocked to see an endless stream of cars leaving the theme park. I could
understand the line of cars going into the park, but not leaving before it was
even open. As I walked to the front
gate, I suddenly realized that the cars arriving and departing where all ride
share vehicles. People were literally jumping out of Ubers and Lyfts and
running to the ticket lines.
However, there aren’t traditional tickets or Fast Passes for RotR. The initial requirement is that to
be eligible for the ticket lottery, you must be in the park before it opens at
8am. And although there’s no written rule about it, internet scuttlebutt
suggests that the earlier you get checked-in when the gates open at 7am, the
better your odds of obtaining a “Boarding Pass” which is Star Wars-speak for the golden ticket. So, I basically invested
three hours of tired, cold, rainy misery just to get a shot at a boarding pass.
There was no guarantee I would get anything. Personally, I think they should
rename it the Sadistic Kingdom.
I left Coronado in such a rush that I completely forgot my umbrella, so I
got the pleasure of standing in the rain, sick and cold, with thousands of
other people also hoping to score a seat to RotR.
And it was here that I heard something multiple times that really pissed me
off. Roughly half the conversations I overheard were people bragging how many
times they had already ridden it. Most had done it at least once before, while
a few others boasted of riding it two or three times. This infuriated me
because it reduced the available slots for people such as myself who had yet to
ride it. If Disney really wants to cut-down and manage the ridiculous wait
times (which is what the Boarding Pass is supposed to accomplish) they need to
implement a policy whereby returning patrons can only ride it once a week, thereby
giving more first-timers an opportunity to enjoy it.
Right before 8:00am, I received a text from Amanda that she and Victoria
had made it into the park, so they were going to try their luck at a Boarding
Pass also. I was elated that they had arrived, but a sea of several thousand
people separated us, and there was literally no moving until the gates opened.
At the stroke of eight, Disney’s mobile app lit up and everyone began
furiously trying to grab a Boarding Pass. Locals had better luck as their signal
strength was stronger, and my first attempt resulted in a “Network Error” from
Cspire. From what I had read, it takes less than a minute from when the
Boarding Passes become available for all the time slots to be snapped up. With
roughly thirty seconds left, I frantically logged back in, but my aspirations
of getting to ride it were quickly evaporating.
Thankfully, it worked the second time and my Boarding Pass was granted
for Group 74, one of the last slots available. But I couldn’t celebrate yet as
I was still on the bubble. My Boarding Pass warned that I “would only be called
if all of the initial boarding groups have been called back and there is
capacity for more riders this evening. Capacity is limited. A boarding group
does not guarantee entry to Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance.” In other words,
if it broke down as it had the day before, I would lose my spot.
Soon thereafter, I met up with Amanda and Victoria, who despite getting
into the park just before the 8am cut-off, also managed to acquire Boarding
Passes. Victoria’s fancy new iPhone 11 proved faster than mine and Amanda’s
older iPhone X’s as she somehow managed to get on Boarding Party 29. But
Amanda’s was even worse than mine as she was attached to Group 92, one of the absolute
last spots of the day.
With our Boarding Passes generated, all we could do was wait. If we were
chosen, we would be given a two-hour space from our designated time to catch
the ride. If we didn’t make it within that window of opportunity, we would
forfeit our spot.
So, we took the opportunity to explore Galaxy’s Edge, the new 14-acre area where RotR and Smuggler’s Run
rides are located. The area is referred to as Black Spire Outpost and is
located on the planet Batuu which is on the edge of the Outer Rim Territories.
According to the backstory (which takes place after the events of The Last Jedi but shortly before the recent Rise of Skywalker) The First Order has
sent the most fearsome Stormtrooper squad in the galaxy, The 709th
Red Fury, to patrol the Black Spire Outpost.
There’s a strong resemblance to Tatooine, with lots of large rock
outcroppings and similar shaped huts and buildings. Look closely, and there’s
also a few of the machines that Luke used for moisture farming in the original Star Wars. In another corner is a life-size Blue
Squadron X-Wing, but the centerpiece is the full-sized Millennium Falcon.
Unfortunately, it’s only a static display and the actual Millennium Falcon ride
takes place elsewhere.
As we strolled down the crowded street, we saw Kylo Ren approaching with
a group of stormtroopers surrounding him. “Move over!” one of the troopers
barked at Amanda when they passed by. And as we would later discover in RotR, all the cast members take their
roles very seriously in Galaxy’s Edge.
Amanda tried for months before she was able to get us reservations at
Olga’s Cantina, the fancy bar modeled after the Mos Eisley one from Star Wars that Obi-Wan claimed was a "wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Truthfully, we found it was
mostly good for the novelty, as even with reservations we were required to
stand at the bar. But ever since 1977 I’ve wanted to try some Blue Milk like
Luke drank and I finally had my opportunity. With the modern advent of
plant-based milks and other varieties, I’ve consumed a lot of different milk
drinks in the past few years. In fact, I’ve given up dairy milk and drink
almond milk almost exclusively. That notwithstanding, Disney’s Blue Milk didn’t
taste anything like what I was expecting: it was more watery and had a very
strong aftertaste. The most accurate description I’ve come across is that it
tastes like perfume, so take that as you will. It certainly wasn’t worth $13,
although the included sugar cookie helped take away some of the bitterness. Amanda
opted for the Carbon Freeze, which she noted was Powerade with some fruity
flavors and liquid nitrogen tossed in the bottom to achieve the desired effect.
Finally, we split an Olga’s Obsession, which looked like a brightly-colored
petri dish of items left out too long under the Tatooine suns. Realistically,
it was Jello, Cotton Candy and some Boba pearls. We left Olga’s $30 lighter and
given the uncomfortable standing and lack of substantial nourishment, would
definitely not return.
Since it was so new, Disney wasn’t providing Fast Passes for Smuggler’s Run, and the standby time was
80 minutes. While that wasn’t terrible by theme park-standards, Amanda
suggested we try the single-rider line. We’ve found that if you don’t mind
riding by yourself, it’s a great way to bypass a lot of the line. Sure enough,
within 10 minutes we were being strapped into our seats of the Millennium
Falcon! Even better, because it’s a six-person interactive experience, Amanda
and I didn’t get split up. It reminded me a lot of Star Tours, but each person is assigned a task: Amanda and I were
the two engineers who were required to activate the engines and other ancillary
items during the ride’s five minutes. But be forewarned: Amanda rode Rock N Rollercoaster’s three inversions, two rollover loops and one corkscrew with no problems but said Smuggler’s Run really hurt her neck.
“Rise”
and Shine
Around
12:30pm, some 6 hours after I entered Hollywood Studios, I was finally
green-lighted for Rise of the Resistance.
I quickly made my way to the front entrance and held my breath as I waved my
Magic Band over the turnstile. It had been such an arduous process, beginning
with me getting up at 5am and the subsequent sickness, rain and cold, that I
halfway expected it not to work. But miraculously it did, and I was waved
through with a smile.
There
were a lot of generic, sci-fi themed corridors to walk down and about halfway through,
we received a disturbing message that the ride had experienced a problem and
that there was a “slight delay.” Given the previous day’s issues I feared the
worst. But this time at least, it was truthful, and our line started moving
again rather quickly.
I
won’t spoil the experience, but I will say it’s incredibly immersive and you
really feel as if you’re taking part in a Star
Wars movie. It’s a nice combination of practical effects, a few very
high-resolution screens, and some scenes and dialogue filmed explicitly for the
attraction. It’s also the only Disney ride where you engage with actual actors.
As
for whether I’d go through all the trouble of doing it again, it’s an absolute
no. Sadly, given the length of the production and the demand, I predict it’ll
be years before it’s a walk-on attraction. For my money ($30 per person) The Void in Disney Springs offers the
ultimate Star Wars experience and you
don’t have to jump through all the hoops to enjoy it. Called Secrets of the Empire, it’s a
fully-immersive Virtual Reality experience with a headset and vest. At 15
minutes for the mission, it’s the same length as RotR but much more interactive. Thanks to the haptic feedback
sensors in the vest, when you’re hit by blaster fire you actually feel it. And
it’s uncomfortable enough that you don’t want it to happen again. We did The Void two years ago and it amazes me
how few people have experienced it. I suppose it’s a combination of location
and cost: It’s tucked away at the end of Disney Springs in a largely
non-descript building, and after buying park tickets, people are generally
loath to spend any more money on other attractions.
What’s
the Frequency, Kenneth?
Back
in October 1986, Bruce and I visited Magic Kingdom and got quite a charge out
of reciting that phrase in crowded elevators and around large groups of people
as if we somehow knew what it meant and were in on the conspiracy. For those
that might not recall the incident, it revolved around CBS News anchor Dan
Rather who was mysteriously attacked in broad daylight by a strange man. As he
punched and kicked Rather, the unidentified assailant repeatedly asked, “What’s
the Frequency, Kenneth?” I resurrected that bit of humor for myself as I
struggled with whatever illness I had come down with. After each wracking cough
I would curse under my breath “Damn Coronavirus!!!” Of course, I thought it was
hilarious, but Amanda wasn’t amused. Despite that, it was a great way to get
through crowds as people literally fell all over themselves trying to get out
of my way.
Of
course, Disney is a global melting pot and it’s not uncommon to be standing
next to someone in line who looks just like me but doesn’t speak a word of English.
In fact, we conversed at length with one cast member outside the French
pavilion in Epcot who was very candid about working for Disney. He divulged
that his work visa’s nationality dictates where he can work and that explains
how every country in Epcot always has authentic employees. Furthermore, he was
quick to dismiss the unrealistic notion that a job at Disney is glamorous. He
cited the day before as an example, whereby he was required to cheerfully greet
people while standing with an umbrella in the rain for twelve hours. He also confessed
that at times he felt like a monkey in a zoo but admitted that he stays because
Disney is a “well-paying zoo.” Finally, and possibly due to his French culture,
he bizarrely lamented the fact that cats and dogs only come in neutrals and
earth tones.
Speaking
of Europeans, denim shorts and fanny packs seemed to be a big fad for them. We
saw both young and old as well as entire families in denim. It’s like they were
still living in 1988. However, I found it humorous because I’ve always thought
that Jorts (a portmanteau of "jeans" and "shorts")
would make a great name for a Swedish person.
In fact, I was so pleased with myself for this witty discovery that I
took to randomly calling any foreigners with blonde hair and blue eyes that term.
Believe me, some of the looks I got were hilarious! (Below: If you don't pay your bill, Winnie the Pooh will choke you out!)
But
perhaps my biggest gripe with Disney, (aside from the little things like high
prices, long lines, and never-ending crowds) is their recent adoption of paper
straws. In a bid to please the tree-huggers and project an eco-friendlier
image, they’ve done away with plastic straws. Granted, this doesn’t seem like a
big deal until you actually try to use one. It works okay at first, but then
the paper gets wet and limp, and it feels like you’re sucking through a tube
with a hole, getting more air than liquid. I know we’re supposed to be saving
the planet here, but how much of a difference is me sucking on a paper straw
really going to help the environment? I told Amanda that if we truly wanted to
fix the rising sea levels, we should just destroy all the marine life so that
they’re not displacing any water. Bingo! Problem solved.
After
Amanda had her surgery in 2018, her neurologist advised her that walking would
be an excellent form of low-impact exerciser. However, I’ve had as much luck
getting her off the couch as I’ve had winning the lottery. On the few times I’ve
coaxed her to walk, she’s thrown in the towel after the first mile. But on this
visit to Disney I checked her Fitbit stats and she was busted! On our first day
she walked 9.02 miles (20,697 steps) and burned 3,548 calories without a single
complaint! And that day wasn’t an anomaly, either: We covered similar distances
on all the other days, too. Disney gets a bad rap for all the indulgent foods
and sugary snacks, but park hopping sure can help offset it.
When
all was said and done, we had a good time. It was the first time in East
Central’s Dance Team history that they qualified for Nationals and Victoria’s
first year on the squad. They won Superior for both routines and Victoria was
the only one who successfully threw her aerial in competition. I would have a
better picture of it, but since they wanted $200 for live action photos, I
settled on a screen-grab. But we didn’t leave completely empty-handed: Victoria
and I each came back with nasty colds, the gift that keeps on giving. I blame
the cold weather, constant rain and lack of sleep. She went to the doctor not
once, but twice, and mine clung on for three weeks. Honestly, I think we might
have been better off taking our chances with the Coronavirus!
In
the meantime, I’m going to try and enjoy my Summer as Amanda has threatened
that we’ll be going back at Thanksgiving for a “Family Vacation” that includes
her mother, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. Even worse, she expects me to wear a
matching shirt!
Please
remember: it’s never too early to start praying for me!
