Pumpkin Spice

It's not everyday you park next to an orange Lotus Elise  

 

  Pirate Press            November 2023  

 

 

 

At the end of July, Victoria had her first collegiate-level dance competition in Tuscaloosa. So, as a lifelong University of Alabama fan I was excited to finally see the campus there. Over her high school dance career, we'd already visited both Mississippi State in Starkville and University of Southern Mississippi in Hattiesburg. 

 

Amazingly, when I mapped out the distance we drove to Starkville in 2019 versus the route to Tuscaloosa, it was only separated by one singular mile. But for whatever reason, the jaunt to State seemed so much longer. Despite that, the first two hours are an identical slog up Hwy 45 through such strangely named small towns as Buckatunna and Shubuta. From Meridian onward, it's a combination of I-20 and I-59 for the remaining 100 miles into Tuscaloosa. 

 

Weirdly enough, we'd driven the 85 miles to Tuscaloosa from Starkville before, but it was for the express purpose of dining at the Chuy's restaurant there. We never toured the campus or even saw the stadium. However, the Tuscaloosa Chuy's closed down just 4 months after we ate there, so we sadly wouldn't get the opportunity to do it again.

 

Instead, lunch was at Rama Jama's, a Roll Tide-devoted dive that's to Crimson Tide fans what Graceland is to Elvis enthusiasts. As we pulled up, I noticed that it was just as popular with the locals as it was with tourists— vehicles from Louisiana, Texas and Oklahoma competed with regional ones for the few parking spaces available.

 

 

Luckily, we made it right before the lunch rush and the customers were a mix of families and campus residents. The young girl taking our order seemed like she could also be a student but was surprisingly unenthusiastic which was rather shocking given the otherwise upbeat vibe in the restaurant. There was some sort of novelty champagne bottles being consumed and several tables were letting it flow freely. However, each time a loud pop accompanied a bottle being opened there was an audible knee-jerk reaction from Amanda and some of the other patrons. Sadly, random school shootings are no laughing matter and our current crazed society requires constant vigilance. 

 

Fortunately, the most dangerous thing I saw there was the $22 National Champs BLT sandwich which consisted of 18 strips of bacon (one for each National Championship), on 3 slices of Texas Toast with double lettuce and tomato. I'm confident I could have taken it down but I knew we would be driving into Birmingham later to eat at Chuy's so I wanted to save my appetite for that. Instead, I opted for the large Cheeseburger and fries while Amanda ordered the Fried Green Tomato BLT with a fried Peach Pie. My burger was nothing special, but Amanda raved about the BLT and said the Peach Pie was even better than the one she had eaten at The Varsity in Atlanta.

 

                     

 

Afterwards, we made our way down the main drag, Paul W. Bryant Drive, and marveled at how calm and quiet everything was. With a coverage of 72 square miles and a population of 100K, Tuscaloosa certainly dwarfed the other college towns like Hattiesburg and Starkville. 

Further down, we stopped at a huge University of Alabama Supply Store to see if any of the merchandise appealed to us. Of course, there were all the usual items with the Crimson "A" or elephant mascot on them, but not nearly the amount of "Bear" Bryant or Nick Saban paraphernalia that I'd been warned about. I can remember the fervor over the Bear Bryant Coke bottles in the early 80s, and I even found a couple of them in my parents' attic when I cleaned it out in 2016. Unfortunately, over three decades of heat and humidity conspired to turn the soda a frothy green color that definitely didn't look safe to consume.

 

I was tempted to buy something but with Victoria attending Perkinston Junior College for two years and then planning on going to USM for the last two, it didn't make much sense (financial or otherwise) to sport any Alabama apparel.

 

But it was when we walked out to my car that I got the shock of the weekend. There, parked beside it was a bright orange Lotus Elise. Naturally, it was striking, but it nonetheless reminded me how unusual the Lotus brand is and that is occupies a very strange segment in the automotive universe.  

 

For starters, I've always felt that Lotus is the most "non-exotic" exotic car ever built. After all, for a couple decades it was saddled with a four-cylinder despite competing with twelve-cylinder Ferraris and Lambos. But it's sheer rarity and unusual styling means that it is often mistaken for much more expensive machinery. Upon sharing the photo with both my daughter and a long-time Pirate Press reader, both pegged it incorrectly as a McLaren. However, I did give them credit for recognizing the British ancestry as Lotus and McLaren each hail from England. 

 

I distinctly remember the first time I saw a Lotus and it coincided with my first James Bond movie, The Spy Who Loved Me. Of course, at eight years old I didn't understand the significance of the brand, only that a car that turned into a submarine (and back again) was something I'd never seen before. And it would be five years later before I'd witness another sports car submerged. However, this time it would be unintentional and by a very young Tom Cruise in Risky Business. 

 

1976 was the first year for the Lotus Esprit and it produced a decidedly unimpressive 160hp from a naturally aspirated 2-liter four-cylinder. In comparison, it's closest contender at the time, a Porsche 911, made 200hp. 

 

Eleven years later, I'd see my first Esprit in person as in the late 1980s New Orleans actually had it's own authorized Lotus dealership. By then, the engine had grown 10% to displace a full 2.2-liters and a turbocharger had been added to give it a more competitive 215hp.          

 

The Elise pictured here debuted twenty years after the Esprit and is the Lotus most likely to be spotted in daily driving. It certainly looks exotic, but a Toyota powertrain and a Corvette resale price makes it a lot more common than a real purebred like a Ferrari or McLaren.

 

If you remember the 2000 Celica GT-S than you're familiar with the 1.8-liter four-banger in the 2005 Elise that squeezes out a miserly 190hp and 133tq— an amount that is clearly not supercar territory. That's not a typo, the 1976 Esprit actually makes more torque than this 2005 model!

 

Reliability-wise, I'd personally have been a nervous wreck (no pun intended) driving a nearly 20 year-old Lotus the 800 miles from Hopkins County, Missouri to Tuscaloosa, Alabama. And even assuming you made it in one piece, the nearest Lotus dealer is still another three hours away in Atlanta. However, my biggest gripe wouldn't be the possibility of breaking down, but the space-saver 10-gallon fuel tank, which with an optimistic EPA rating of 22 mpg, would require four separate fuel stops on such a trip.  

 

Smaller than even a Miata, it also begs the question of how any semblance of luggage and personal possessions were transported across four states? I know when we helped Victoria move to Perk, we filled up her Kia Forte, her cousin's Toyota Tacoma and my Ford Fusion, each from floor to ceiling. 

 

Funny enough, as we were leaving I noticed a stunning young woman walking across the street. She looked like a model who had just stepped out of a Cosmopolitan feature, with perfectly-styled hair, dark sunglasses and a flowing dress. I muttered to Amanda that there was no way she was getting into that cramped Lotus that was barely sitting 4 inches off the ground! I desperately craned my neck around searching for a Range Rover or some other high-end SUV that seemed like something she'd drive. 

 

Sure enough, she approached it and opened the passenger door to drop her purchases in the seat. Not wanting to appear as some pervert stalking her, I nonetheless stole a quick glance inside the Lotus and was surprised to see a mess of papers and other items littering the interior and footwell. In a perfect world, I'd love to have gotten her thoughts on the livability of the Lotus but a lot of factors (read: wife) conspired to prevent that. Obviously, Amanda wouldn't appreciate me chatting up a strange blonde in a sports car and it foiled my efforts to inquire if she needed a Sugar Daddy?

 

Also, the "BTMOBL" tag seems to suggest that it's an abbreviation of "Batmobile" hinting at the Caped Crusader's personal vehicle. I take exception to this as the orange color and fish-eyed countenance strongly suggests "Aquaman" if we're associating it with superheroes. And an "AQUAMAN" tag would be perfect for the submarine-diving Lotus Esprit in "The Spy Who Loved Me." 

 

It's also not very often that I park beside an exotic car and am able to boast about having a more powerful engine. I believe the last time was in October 2021 when I spotted an Acura NSX. However, the lilliputian Lotus is accustomed to doing more with less and it's still slightly faster given a weight (1,975 lbs) that sounds like a birth year instead of the tonnage of a full-sized car. In comparison, my Fusion weighs almost double that! 

 

However, I can say with complete conviction that I would not have enjoyed driving the Lotus three hours to Tuscaloosa. And by that I mean my wife would not have enjoyed riding in the Lotus three hours to Tuscaloosa. With the cramped space, noisy drone from the engine and lack of modern amenities, she would have been (ahem!) very vocal about her discomfort. 

 

As such, it was probably better that we took the Fusion, particularly for the hour drive into Birmingham. Of course, we had no idea that it was a Tax-Free Weekend so The Summit had become a traffic-snarled hellscape straight out of a Stephen King novel. It honestly looked like the city's entire population of 200,000 had all tried to cram into that shopping center and it created an entrance and exit choke-hold of biblical proportions. 

 

It also didn't help that everyone wanted to eat at Chuy's because with a 600-ft elevation, the view of the Appalachians in the distance is stunning, particularly at sunset. And while it's certainly the most scenic restaurant at The Summit, I'd also wager that it offers the prettiest vista of all 100 Chuy's restaurants in seventeen states! 

 

As we patiently waited, one pretentious woman clad head-to-toe in Lululemon marched up to the hostess stand with her husband and two young kids in tow. She obviously expected to be seated immediately and was furious when informed of the 1.5 hour delay. Clearly, she was used to getting her way and was completely unprepared to handle the rejection. Trying to save face in front of all the patrons and employees, she spun around and dragged her husband and children out the door muttering under her breath that such an extended wait was "ridiculous!" I laughed and told Amanda that she should have just sucked it up because any decent place on a Saturday night was going to have a similar backlog and the longer she held off, the worse it would be.   

 

And being late July, we wisely opted for an inside table to avoid the stifling heat. Of course, it meant forgoing a patio spot with an amazing view, but the temp would have made it unbearable. Nonetheless, Amanda and I were seated at a massive booth large enough to accommodate six or seven adults. The gesture was appreciated, but seemed unusual given the lengthy waiting list of families who needed it much more than we did. Personally, I would have been fine with two chairs at the bar. 

 

After dinner, we made our way back to the hotel which was from a brand we had never patronized before. Billed as "SureStay by Best Western"  I was initially turned-off by the "Best Western" name as I've always viewed that economy hotel chain as a place where I'd rather pay more to stay somewhere else. However, when I researched the SureStay brand I discovered that it follows the contemporary template of upmarket collections by big hotel companies such as Marriott's Autograph and Hilton’s Curio. In essence, it's a separate "white label" offering that operates independently from Best Western. Typically, properties that are selected for the SureStay group are individual entities that have carved out their own personal niche, but would benefit from the resources and more favorable commercial advantages afforded by partnering with a major hotel platform. 

Indeed, our "boutique" lodging boasted a unique and appealing colonial architecture that looked like something I'd expect in Virginia or along the Northeastern seaboard, not rural Alabama. Inside, the furnishings were similarly eclectic, with a faux brick partition acting as a divider in our suite. I reminded Amanda that it recalled our hotel in Times Square in which I opened our curtains expecting a beautiful view of Central Park only to be greeted by the unappealing visage of a brick wall.

 

 

 

 

That questionable styling aesthetic aside, our "SureStay" was comfortable and affordable which made it ideal for a getaway weekend in Tuscaloosa. And although we furiously looked all weekend, we never once spotted Nick Saban driving his new 2023 Ferrari Portofino M. You see, Saban is an investor in the new Prancing Horse of Nashville, the only authorized Ferrari dealership in Tennessee. That's because after signing a $93 million contract last year, he clearly needs a side hustle to earn extra money.

With that kind of transportation enhancement fund, I can certainly think of several different Ferraris that would be at the top of my shopping list, but the one he chose would certainly not be. Don't get me wrong— the Portofino is a fine Ferrari, but it is the entry-level model and is in one of the most uninspiring colors possible: a drab, dishwater grey somewhere between Grigio Titanio Metall and Grigio Silverstone. It's almost as if he took the least desirable Ferrari they had, perhaps because it was at a very attractive price. I mean, who buys a grey convertible as their first new Ferrari, particularly if you're the coach of the Crimson Tide? He will never live down not getting it in a Scarlett color like Rosso Barchetta, the color of my 360.

Regardless, it's 612hp twin-turbo V8 spits it to 60 mph faster than he can yell "Roll Tide!" and it corners quicker than his 72 year-old reaction time. And judging by the photos of it below at Tuscaloosa National Airport, it looks like he could seriously use some parking lessons. However, he recently admitted to being very superstitious about it and claimed on The Pat McAfee Show that he only drives it on Wednesdays and if it's not raining. Finally, Ferrari has gotten so soft about coddling it's clients that one of the Portofino's new features is a neck warmer, which I suppose speaks volumes about it's  septuagenarian demographic like Saban. The press release states that the neck warmer "offers a choice of three heat levels and the system constantly adapts the speed of the warm air flow from the headrest to ensure it is proportional to the car’s speed, outside temperature and the position of the retractable top." Somehow, it just feels wrong even including "Neck Warmer" and "Ferrari" in the same sentence, unless you're referring to something manly like the mid-engine V8 catching on fire 🔥 which I suppose would definitely raise the temperature on your neck. Until then, if Saban wants frivolous things like a neck warmer, he should stick to the Mercedes he hawks at his dealership in Irondale. 

Lastly, it's sad to acknowledge that Lotus, which was originally created by Englishman Colin Chapman in 1952, has now split it's ownership between Chinese Multinational Geely and Malaysian business tycoon, Syed Mokhtar Albukhary. Whomever said "politics makes strange bedfellows" has obviously never seen the bizarre roster of owners Lotus has had in it's 70+ years, which also includes brief stints with GM and Bugatti. 

As of now, the Lotus Eletre is the first offspring from that peculiar Pan-Asian conglomerate. It flies in the face of every principal Colin Chapman set forward with Lotus as it's too big, too heavy, possesses 4 doors and runs solely on electricity. Even more aspirational, Geely claims that by 2028 the entire Lotus lineup will be electric and they will be selling 100,000 cars annually. Supposedly, they will all be built at a plant in Wuhan (Yes, that Wuhan!🦇) and it's pretty far-fetched when a good year for Lotus is churning out 4,000 vehicles, but I suppose stranger things have happened.

As for the new Eletre, I bet Nick Saban is wondering if it has a neck warmer?