Scarlet Fever

(And why buying a new car is more painful than the deadly disease)  

 

  Pirate Press             June 2025 

***35th Anniversary***

 

 

By now, I'm sure most of my audience is well aware of the incident which robbed my daughter of her car last November. I won't rehash it here, but the full story is available for those who missed it or simply want to revisit it. 

As such, the last seven months have been quite challenging as she has been bereft of her cherished independence and we have had the unenviable task of finding a suitable replacement in the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression nearly 100 years ago. 

Spoiler Alert: We eventually sourced a reasonable substitute of which the exterior color is "Scarlet Red Pearl," an energetic tincture that inspired my comparison between the agony we endured and the legendary pathogen. Thankfully, it's also no relation to the nearby Scarlet Pearl Casino and Resort of which she is still roughly 14 months shy of being allowed admittance to. That notwithstanding, I've heard good things about their steakhouse and they do claim to offer Japanese A5 Wagyu Strip Loin for $35 per ounce. However, being a self-proclaimed "steak snob" I would have serious reservations that their munificence is commensurate with the authentic A5 Wagyu I consumed in Manhattan.  

 

Surprisingly, Scarlet Fever (like the Jonas Brothers) has experienced a most unwelcome resurgence recently with 4,622 cases reported in England in 2022 and among those were thirteen children who succumbed to the rare ailment.

 

Over the past two-hundred days, Victoria has been an inspiring example of patience, never once complaining or asking when she'd get another car. All agreed, this would be a tremendous display of self-control for an adult, but it's a monumental achievement for a teenager. And because she was so understanding, I put extra pressure on myself to find her something as quickly as possible. Naturally, this seemed to generate an opposite reaction wherein the harder I tried, the more setbacks I encountered.

 

Although there are countless automotive search engines available, I had primarily leaned on Autotrader when I bought my Fusion in 2020 and her new Forte in 2022. I would then select and sort by the most important criteria such as the lowest-priced non-convertible car with a clean title, low mileage and automatic transmission in a 200-mile radius. Eventually, I even found myself expanding that to 500 miles with no success. I can't possibly begin to confer the aggravation and frustration I encountered over the ensuing months of fruitless searching with it getting worse the longer it dragged on. I began to remark to Amanda that I honestly felt like it would be easier to find a real-life unicorn than a car with both low-miles and a low-price. 

 

Fortunately, Victoria had been able to catch rides to and from college with her roommate but that time was quickly drawing to a close as the school year ended. And adding to her discomfort, the air-conditioner had abruptly quit working making the hour-long drives even more miserable.

 

Meanwhile, we were having similarly depressing trips logging 400-500 miles each weekend examining potential candidates in neighboring states like Alabama, Florida and Louisiana. Cris-crossing the Gulf Coast states also reminded me how much I have come to loathe interstate travel and the total idiots that occupy it. Their newest fascination seems to be driving at or below the speed limit in the left lane, thereby preventing anyone from passing them. Being genuinely curious as to what encourages this absurd behavior, I did some extensive research and the explanation seems to be that they are completely unaware. (i.e. ignorance is bliss, apparently) However, my method for treating this affliction after a couple miles of tailgating with no response is to violently swing into the right lane, pass them at full-throttle and then whipsaw back in front of them to hopefully send a much-needed wake-up call. Sadly, this maneuver rarely produces the desired result (As comedian Ron White dryly observed, "You can't fix stupid.") but at least it makes me feel better and allows me to reach my destination faster.

 

The upside— albeit a small one— to our multi-state traveling was that it gave me the opportunity to dine at some of our favorite restaurants we normally wouldn't be close to. So, after getting shot down in Ft. Walton Beach for a vehicle that looked nothing like the photos online, we stopped off at Red Robin in Pensacola so I could attempt a new burger challenge. Last summer, I was at this very same Red Robin when I conquered their 1700-calorie Gold Medal Burger and apparently they took their defeat seriously as they had just recently unveiled an even unhealthier successor. Called the "Buzzer Beater Bacon Cheeseburger - Triple Pointer" the name is almost as big of a mouthful as the actual burger. It's also a nod to the March Madness Playoffs in much the same way the Gold Medal Burger honored the Summer Olympics. 

 

Granted, it's no easy feat to make a burger more hazardous than their Gold Medal offering but they achieved that by removing every single redeeming fruit and vegetable (pickles, onion, lettuce and tomato) then doubling the cheese to a whopping SIX slices and crowning it with four strips of artery-clogging bacon. As dressed, it weighs in at 1,830 calories and 58 grams of juicy saturated fat (or what the average adult eats in three days.)  But the fun doesn't stop there; each serving of Bottomless Fries adds 350 calories and a 2-ounce serving of the Roasted Garlic Aioli dipping sauce packs in an extra 500 calories. Wash it down with a couple large soft drinks or sweet teas as I did and it's a tidy 3,000 calorie lunch.  It's like an Anti-Ozempic meal for anorexics!      

 

Offending vegetarians is my full-time job!

In 2021, we had looked at a 2010 V6 Mustang in Florida for her but the car was very overpriced and the dealership refused to negotiate. Despite that, she still has always wanted a pony car so this time around we also considered a Camaro. 

Ironically, I found a V6 Camaro for sale at Treadwell Ford where I briefly worked in the summer of '92. It looked good in the carefully-staged pictures and seemed to be well-priced so I made a bee-line over there after work. Once I arrived, not a single salesman approached me but I managed to find it on the lot nonetheless. However, I was unprepared for the visual damage that I discovered. Granted, I'm accustomed to pre-owned vehicles having slight scrapes and visual imperfections but I was literally floored by the glaring gouges on the Camaro's quarter panel. Moreover, this wasn't just a recent injury but one that had been left untreated for months (or maybe even years) as evidenced by the deep corrosion that had set in like automotive gangrene. Why the owner had never fixed it and why the dealer decided to sell it in that condition was never disclosed. But after recently receiving the insurance report on Victoria's car I knew that it was easily a $3000 or more repair with the quarter panel alone fetching $1,500. Needless to say, that was a deal-breaker and I left as hastily as I had arrived.   

Scrolling Facebook Marketplace, Amanda found a Mustang with a price that I told her was simply too good to be true for the mileage and the model year. Sure enough, it wasn't disclosed on the dealer website but a deep dive into the Carfax uncovered that it was a bank repossession with three years of missing service history. Perhaps I'm being judgemental, but something tells me that the owner wasn't especially concerned with keeping the maintenance current, possibly because he was expecting its imminent forfeiture.

After Easter, I found myself in New Orleans test-driving a 2017 Mustang with the Ecoboost four-cylinder. Ideally, I was looking for that generation (S550) with a V6 but they were only made for two short years, from 2015-2017. My logic was that the six-cylinder would require less maintenance and have fewer problems than the turbocharged variant which was plagued with engine failures. 

 

Having driven a 2012 Mustang GT when I was looking for my Corvette back in 2018, I was immediately impressed with how much of an improvement it was over the S195 predecessor. The interior ergonomics were light-years ahead and the car felt so much more stable, largely due to the stiffer chassis and independent rear suspension. Unfortunately, acceleration was underwhelming and it certainly didn't seem like all 310 horses were present and accounted for. Part of the blame can be attributed to the pony's mid-life weight gain— a whopping 3,700 lbs which is quite a burden on a small-displacement four-cylinder, even one with a turbocharger. In comparison, the last turbo four Mustang, the SVO, tipped the scales at just 2,900 lbs.

 

The salesman encouraged me to give it the spurs, so a couple times I flat-footed the throttle from a 30-40 mph roll and I would definitely characterize the response as soft. It felt like there was a considerable amount of turbo lag present. Obviously, Ford tunes the car with an eye toward reliability and for a variety of conditions, so I'm definitely not the target demographic. But despite really liking the car as a whole, the dealer declined to discount the inflated cost so I left again empty-handed.

 

I realized it was the wrong season to be shopping for a sports car (and the corresponding higher insurance and poor fuel economy were doing me no favors either) so I switched gears to looking for something more like the Forte she previously had.

 

I decided to google the most reliable compact cars and discovered that the Hyundai Elantra was right alongside her Kia. 

 

Obviously. the Civic and Corolla were too plebeian but I was intrigued by the Elantra. Back in 2017, I rented a Hyundai Accent for a month and really enjoyed it despite its economy car roots. As I researched the Elantra, I discovered that it was very similar to her ex-Forte which makes sense given that Hyundai is the parent company of Kia and they share a lot of the same platforms. 

 

However, we had experienced increased insurance rates for Amanda's Hyundai Santa Fe in 2023 when the rash of TikTok videos emerged showing how easy it was to hot-wire some models. When I inquired with my agent about this, he point-blank told me that our coverage had been "grandfathered" in and that otherwise it would be uninsurable. As a result, I was a little apprehensive about getting another Hyundai if this was still a factor.

 

That notwithstanding, I found a pristine, one-owner 2019 Elantra GT offered for sale in Metairie, Louisiana. Located just 7 miles north of New Orleans, it borders Lake Pontchartrain and is a much nicer, quieter suburb devoid of the debauchery and bacchanalia of Bourbon Street. 

Likewise, I was pleased that it was at a large, established dealership as I'm typically suspicious of interacting with individuals and fly-by-night car lots. However, that's not to say that the owner of the dealership, Matt Bowers, is without his own scandals. After all, you don't build a $1 billion automotive empire in six years and own 12 dealerships without a few dirty dealings. With the average cost of a new dealership running $12 million, and an additional $4 million for annual operating costs, it's clear Bowers has had some deep-pocketed connections to ascend the ladder so quickly. A Times-Picayune article also claims he has used a predatory strategy in acquiring some of his dealerships by "sniffing out dealerships that could be suffering from the "third generation curse," where a family owner has lost interest, or for a recent ownership change, like a widowed second wife, who might be eager to sell."  Additionally, in 2022 Bowers was fined $27,000 by state regulators after authorities were tipped off that he engaged in illegal advertising activities.

 

Despite his unsavory reputation, I still found the dealership and the employees to be accommodating. During the test drive, I was actually quite surprised how sprightly it felt compared to the Mustang. Motivation comes from a 2.0-liter four-cylinder, but it does have the highest-specific output of any naturally-aspirated four that I've ever owned. At 161 hp, it not only trumps the 147 hp of her previous Kia, but also the 150 hp of my parent's 2.4-lter Altima and even my own hot-rod Saturn's 2.0-liter which boasted a ported throttle body, catless header and cold-air intake. Likewise, top speed is governed to 130 mph which I hope Victoria never discovers on her own. 

AI generated: No tires or power-train components were harmed in the making of this image.

 

 

HOT HATCH SUMMER

 

Similar to the Volkswagen GTI, the Elantra GT also hails from Europe and the Teutonic influence results in a sporty hatchback design that is both athletic and practical known as a "Hot Hatch." Car and Driver recorded 37 mpg at a steady 75 mph with a highway range of 510 miles on a single tank. Likewise, folding the rear seats down results in a whopping 55 cubic-feet of cargo space which was ideal for moving Victoria out of her dorm. And as crazy as it sounds, I was elated when I discovered that an actual spare tire was stowed under the trunk mat. Her 2022 Kia did not have one and automakers have increasing phased them out in a bid to save money. But despite the cavernous rear trunk, we still weren't able to take advantage of Matt Bowers' free pet alligator with every new car purchase.   

 

 

As part of the GT package, it sports attractive two-tone tan seats trimmed in black leather. Victoria remarked that the color combination reminded her of a Mini Cooper and I had to agree.

The only factory options included $135 for carpeted floor mats and $115 for Mud Guards. Since it was being shipped to swampy Louisiana, Hyundai apparently deemed it necessary as if it might regularly see off-road duty escaping a hurricane or hunting Bigfoot. Also illustrating that the Korean engineers have no geographic understanding of the Southern United States, they included heated outside mirrors.    

Taking a "creative shortcut" on our way back to Mississippi.

 

Giving me peace of mind about the purchase, the Elantra also came with a 90-day/4,000-mile bumper-to-bumper warranty in addition to a lifetime power-train warranty as long as it's serviced at a Matt Bowers facility. Furthermore, there was a comprehensive check of 139 separate points with quite a few items being replaced before I took delivery.

 

 

Four new Goodyear Eagle Sport tires were fitted to it and as per my personal new car checklist, I was eager to ensure that they were properly inflated. I was astonished that all the air pressures were nearly perfect but dismayed to discover that there were three different valve stem caps and one was missing entirely.

 

Such is exceedingly sloppy work (and the reason I perform these inspections) but I wasn't too enraged as it was merely cosmetic and also quite an inexpensive fix. 

 

But as I painfully realized when purchasing her last car in 2022, the post-COVID automotive landscape has mutated to a business model that no longer benefits the consumer. Dealers know that current demand far outstrips supply and magnifying the problem is all the Chicken Littles scrambling to buy cars as an insulation hedge against rising tariffs. (Thanks Trump!) Matt Bowers is essentially the fox in the hen house and that left me with virtually no leverage. Even worse, unscrupulous dealers have gotten so greedy that they're now tacking on non-negotiable fees and questionably useful items that bump the total price by several thousand dollars.  

 

For the Elanta, that meant a $1200 add-on composed of a Lojack anti-theft system and some dubious "Perma Plate" paint protection. I professed that I wanted neither and was able to get $300 knocked off as well as a measly $400 off the vehicle's sticker price. Admittedly, it wasn't much but it was better than nothing given the incendiary market conditions. Lastly, there was an additional $1500 for documentation and title fees which, again, represents pure profit for the dealer. Thankfully, I've never had a colonoscopy but I can't imagine that even being awake during the procedure could be any worse than the reaming I got from Matt Bowers. But I knew that if I didn't buy it, someone else quickly would. Also, I was quite frankly exhausted from all the car searching and just wanted it to be over.   

 

After they had detailed it and filled the tank, I had the arduous challenge of getting my car and the Elantra through the crush of New Orleans rush-hour traffic. Back in 2020, I had a similar experience leaving the dealership with my new Fusion right as Hurricane Delta passed over. Honestly, I'd rather take my chances again with the tornadoes than the raging cajuns on the 610 Expressway where you have to drive like you're a participant in Mad Max: Fury Road.

 

 Escape from LA: New Orleans' Rush Hour Traffic is a Battlefield.

 

Needless to say, I was confident in my abilities but it was my 19 year-old daughter driving an unfamiliar car in those conditions that made me a nervous wreck. Matt Bowers is the first dealership I've ever purchased a car from where they require immediate proof of insurance on the vehicle before you can leave and now I see why. For 2023, the most current calendar year on record, there were 6,344 traffic accidents in Orleans Parish which accounted for 41 fatalities and 10,621 injuries. I didn't want us included in those statistics so I did my best to drive slowly and make deliberate lane changes so that she could keep up. After the longest Louisiana exodus of my life, we made it into Mississippi and traffic opened up enough for us to maintain a steady pace of 80 mph on the interstate.

 

VIRTUAL VISIONS

Turns out it's quite simple to travel around The Big Easy when it's all done from behind a keyboard and a blazing fast 2 Gbps internet connection. Popular points of interest include: Superdome sightseeing, parking beside a $4 million Bugatti Chiron Super Sport, a Mardi Gras night parade, sunrise over the famous Crescent City Bridge and racing a riverboat on the mighty Mississippi waterway. And as for the last picture, I disavow any knowledge of why there was a gratuitous image of a scantily-clad supermodel dancing barefoot on the Elantra's hood.  

 

 

 

But, Lady Luck was on my side when I inquired about adding the Elantra to our insurance as it was revealed that her 2019 model was unaffected by the ring of thefts since it uses a traditional key instead of a Push Button Start. Additionally, her Elantra GT was also the last model with a conventional six-speed automatic transmission before Hyundai switched to the unwelcome CVT. Aside from it's inherent unreliability, I just can't stand the artificial operation of a CVT. My work car is a 2024 Nissan and the spongy behavior is infuriating for a driving enthusiast such as myself.

 

 

This ends one chapter and begins another for Victoria. Her wrecked Kia sold at Copart's auction for $5,900 to an anonymous bidder. However, when you factor in another $10K for parts, labor and transaction fees, it's not a good investment for a car that has the diminished value of a salvage title and is virtually uninsurable.  

 

 

Amanda's 2015 Hyundai Santa Fe recently celebrated it's Bicentennial birthday passing 200,000 miles so we're hoping for similar reliability from Victoria's new Elantra GT.  As the miles and months pile on, I'll have a follow-up report.    

   

Finally free from Scarlet Fever, we arrived safely at home in Hurley. 

The End.

 

              

 

     

 

 

T.n.T. (Terror 'n Tennessee)

An Idyllic Getaway Turns Into The Worst Weekend Ever 

 

  Pirate Press             January 2025 

 

Dr. Fox, telephone please
Dr. Fox, telephone
Dr. Fox here to dispatch
Dispatch go ahead

We have a 47 year old female
Unconscious, possible D.K.A.
Patient is not responding at this time
We are presently putting on the mask
The CPR isn't pulled up*

*Reference available here.

 

Memphis is one of those places I've always wanted to visit, but never gotten the opportunity since it's so far removed from where we usually drive. When we traveled to Tennessee on our honeymoon we hit a lot of famous cities (Chattanooga, Gatlinburg, Lynchburg, Nashville, etc.) but never Memphis as it was on the far west side of the state.   

 

So, when Victoria's college football team earned a spot in the State playoffs and her dance team was required to attend, I was secretly thrilled that I'd finally have an excuse to see Memphis. After all, we've never had a reason to drive much further north than the state capital in Jackson, so I'd finally see Mississippi's top (and hopefully better) half. 

 

Truthfully, the ballgame was in Senatobia but the extra 40 miles to Memphis was basically a skip, hop and a jump so we literally had to go. I reasoned that it had taken me 56 years to get there and I'd likely never have the opportunity again. Of course, in hindsight traveling on to Memphis was nearly a fatal mistake.

 

But those forthcoming tragedies never present themselves ahead of time and that's what makes them so deadly. If we all had such clairvoyance, we could steer clear of those calamities. Instead, when we started out for Memphis on that warm and blustery November day, my biggest concern was the rain in the forecast. Looking back now, it's hard to believe just how blissfully naive I was and how quickly my entire world would be turned upside down.

 

The first two hours were uneventful as we made it to Jackson, and the most excitement I had was when some redneck in a clapped out Hyundai Accent thought he was going to bully me and attempt to beat me to the I-55 merge. His car was definitely lighter, but with two fewer cylinders and a 125hp deficit, I blasted right past him as the lanes narrowed from four to two and the highway banked north. Of course, Amanda frustratingly exhaled after my Formula One-style overtaking maneuver, clearly not comprehending the necessity of putting said hillbilly in his place (both literally and figuratively). He futilely endeavored to keep up but as I sliced and diced my way through the Capital gridlock at extra-legal speeds he fell further and further back until no longer visible. 

 

A miserable two-hour slog later, with views of swamps that looked more at home in Louisiana, we finally reached Senatobia. Our opponent was Northwest Community College where prolific Mississippi writer John Grisham briefly attended. Had I spotted him, I would have thanked him for introducing me to Red Stripe Jamaican Lager via the movie based on his 1991 novel "The Firm". The American Adjunct beer is the only one I really enjoy and still brings back great memories of that era when everything was so much simpler and better. 

 

Surprisingly, as we took the first exit into town we spotted Victoria's collegiate bus just ahead of us. Considering we had an hour head start on them (and I never let my speed drop much below 80 mph) I was equally impressed and frightened that they somehow managed to beat us.  

 

In downtown Senatobia, we stopped for lunch at Coleman's Bar-B-Q, a small diner I hadn't eaten at in almost fifty years! That's right, some of my earliest memories of dining out were at the Coleman's restaurants in Pascagoula and Gautier circa 1976. So when I discovered that this was the last one out of the 163 locations once scattered across the South, I knew I couldn't pass it up. We arrived at perhaps the worst possible time— lunch on Saturday right before the big game. The college match-up was the talk of the restaurant with many patrons sporting "Northwest" apparel. Thankfully, Amanda nor I had any defining garments that would announce us as intruders so we were able to blend in with the enemy. In fact, given the inhospitable weather prediction we had chosen to deliberately dress down for the occasion. Not wanting to subject my pricey Canada Goose jacket to the elements, I had brought my red, county-issued rain coat from work. Unbeknownst to me, red and blue were Northwest's primary colors so my red jacket was the perfect camouflage.

 

Alas, the old saying "You can't go home again" rang true as I bit into the pulled pork sandwich I had last consumed almost a half-century ago. Despite the architecture and furnishings representing a reasonable facsimile of my youthful visits, the vinegar-based sauce was an immediate turnoff and it exposed the experience as a fraud. As much as I longed (however briefly) to be teleported back to that innocent time of my childhood, the illusion was instantly shattered into a thousand pieces upon the first taste of that bitter flavoring. Granted, it was still good but it just didn't provide the nostalgic experience that I was so deeply yearning for. That aside, the sweet tea was outstanding and the potato salad tasted homemade. In the end, I was disappointed (yet somewhat relieved) that I could finally close that chapter of my life.

Bar-B-Que Time Machine

 

As for the actual game (and the reason we drove nearly five hours) it was cloudy, cold and occasionally rainy throughout the three-hour event. On the sidelines, Victoria and her teammates even had to indignantly consume their overdue lunch amid the scattered showers. Yet despite flashes of brilliance from our team, bad luck and bad calls ultimately triumphed with us falling short by just two points. But, if there was a silver lining on that somber afternoon, it's that we wouldn't have to drive 15 hours to the national playoff game in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Granted, I'm an irrational sports fan whose happiness is completely contingent on my team winning so I enjoyed reveling in the schadenfreude when Northwest eventually lost to Iowa two weeks later.  

 

After a 3-day stint in the Infirmary just a week before, Amanda wasn't feeling well and chose to sit-out the second half of the game in my car. In hindsight, it was clearly a harbinger of bad things to come, but at the time I simply chalked it up to fatigue from her prior hospitalization. 

 

Leaving Senatobia, we headed 30 minutes north to Horn Lake which is right below the Tennessee state line. We stopped there to try Melissa Cookston's Memphis BBQ Company, which I surmised is an aptonym as well as a misnomer. Being a professional chef and having "Cook" in your name couldn't be more apropos but I took exception to the suggestion that it was in Memphis when it's actually Horn Lake. Those pedantics aside, it's clear now that I severely underestimated Melissa Cookston's seriousness when it comes to smoking meat over hot coals. After all, she is the only female American barbecue world champion and has won countless contests but somehow I dismissed her food as "middle-of-the-road" barbeque, akin to the offerings at national chains like Sonny's. I find those places to offer very generic, mainstream barbeque that caters to everyone and is very average at best. Finally, I realized the dietary transgression I was committing by eating barbeque twice in one day, but I was fully prepared to face the potential Acrylamide-poisoning and thoroughly enjoy it.   

        

I ordered the Pitmaster Sampler which contained a half rack of Baby Back Ribs, Chopped Brisket and a 1/4 chicken (two thighs & a leg). The sides consisted of seasoned green beans, a slice of cornbread and macaroni and cheese. According to the menu, the Baby Back Ribs are smoked for five hours over pecan wood and they use the same recipe that won them a World Championship. Granted, the slab of ribs wasn't the prettiest I've ever seen but my indifference stopped there. I asked for them dry so I could try the various sauces available and I have to admit that the addition of Melissa's Classic Rub on top was a game changer for me! According to her website, the seasoning has a "sweet forward, but with just enough savory notes to fill the palate, and a light hint of spice to tickle the taste buds." She claims to sell it by the smoker load to high-level competition teams and brags that one customer enjoys it so much that they even sprinkle it on their corn flakes! Personally, I believe Melissa should rename it "Angel Dust" as it's just that good, but probably won't for fear of offending her Christian customers. Regardless, the ribs were so succulent and tender that they were literally falling off the bone. But even more amazing was the consistency required to cook the roughly 10,000 slabs served each week to such similar perfection. 

 

After polishing off the ribs, I started in on the chopped brisket which is my second favorite form of barbecue. Pictures didn't do it justice either as it was so rich and moist, instantly setting a new high-water mark for my expectations of future briskets. I even tried some of her "Classic" BBQ sauce which is on the sweeter side and more to my liking than other vinegar and mustard-based sauces. 

 

Unfortunately, it seems like the ribs and brisket are her strong suit as the chicken was pretty flavorless and didn't appear to have received the same amount of attention. Similarly, the greens beans would not win any contests and the cornbread, while tasty, was not warm or fresh. I didn't even try the macaroni as I originally ordered the baked beans but was served it by mistake. And while the banana pudding certainly looked award-winning, it did not equal or surpass Paula Deen's which is my current favorite.   

 

We had a pleasant young man named Lane as our server and he was eager to answer all of our questions except one: What is Melissa Cookston really like? It's fair to say that due to her R.B.F. and leathery skin from a life-long habit of smoking more tobacco than charcoal, she's developed a less-than-friendly reputation, akin to the Martha Stewart of Memphis. After some more prying, he reluctantly admitted that he's only really met her twice as her husband is the one that actually runs the restaurant. However, he did divulge that she came in over the busy Labor Day weekend and was "laser-focused" on making sure everything was running right. I couldn't pin him down to voice anything definitive but I think I summed it up when I said, "Tell me she's a bitch without telling me she's a bitch." He laughed, I laughed, and we both agreed that some things are better left unsaid. 

 

At this point, Amanda had laid her head down on the restaurant table which was unusual even for her, but once again I wrote it off as just general exhaustion. 

 

We arrived at the Memphis hotel around 9:00 that night and she went right to bed. I got to bed not long after her and don't remember anything until around 7:00 the next morning. I could hear her beside me slightly moaning and breathing heavy so I was going to crack a joke about what she was dreaming about. But as I rolled over, her eyes were wide open and she wasn't conscious. I tried shaking her, hoping she would wake up, but she was completely unresponsive. That's when I had the awful realization that something was terribly wrong. Because she was gasping for air I knew that she was still alive, but I didn't know for how much longer. As far as I could tell, she had probably been like this for hours.

 

I frantically dialed 911, something I've never had to do and wondered if with today's cellphones I needed an area code, special prefix, or anything else. Fortunately, I didn't and within a few seconds was connected to an operator who was assessing the situation. He immediately dispatched a fire truck and ambulance to my hotel and walked me through the basic steps to make sure she continued breathing and did not have an obstructed airway. 

I stood halfway between my door and the hallway watching for the paramedics so I could direct them to the right room. I knew being in Memphis the First Responders would be close by, but time slowed down and it felt like it was taking forever for them to arrive. After a seeming eternity, I could hear sirens getting closer and I briefly winced at my fellow hotel patrons who would be getting a similar rude awakening. 

 

The most agonizing phone call of my life
    

Not knowing exactly what to expect, three EMTs and a fireman showed up and they quickly set about getting her moved. Since she was still in the bed, they picked up the fitted sheet under her and used it to transfer her to the stretcher. Almost immediately they were out the door and rolling her down the hall to the waiting ambulance. A few bleary-eyed hotel occupants had curiously opened their doors to investigate the source of the disturbance. As they wheeled her past one old black man, he shook his head disapprovingly and proclaimed "Some people will do anything to get out of paying for their room!"

 

Fortunately, the hospital was less than 2 miles away and on a dreary Sunday morning there was virtually no traffic. I followed the ambulance with my hazards on blowing through red lights and stop signs with reckless abandon. It felt like I was suddenly living some bizarre, real-life version of Grand Theft Auto only I was able to do so with impunity from the police. And realistically, at this point traffic infractions were the least of my concerns. 

 

She was rushed directly into Triage and the Emergency Room was eerily quiet and dark. The attending physician inquired as to what happened so he could immediately formulate a life-saving plan. This included the rather risky procedure of placing an IV line directly into her carotid artery. Under less serious conditions, it's generally not recommended since arterial punctures occur in nearly 10% of these cases and lead to death quite quickly. But with her blood sugar over 1000 mg/dL, the doctor said she only had fifteen minutes to live so it was a calculated risk. He admitted that in his 30 years of practice, it was the highest amount he had ever seen. 

 

Next, as she writhed and moaned on the operating table they began pumping her full of as much sodium bicarbonate as her body could handle. Less glamorously known as baking soda, it's typically used as a cooking ingredient in cakes and pies, a whitening agent in toothpaste, and even in some household cleaning products. But at this point it was being employed for its ability as a systemic alkalizer. I never imagined an 89-cent box of Arm & Hammer could serve as a lich-like phylactery anchoring Amanda to this mortal plane, but it was magically working.

 

Additionally, the attending physician was concerned that she might have to be put on a ventilator. While I thought the prospect of that sounded encouraging, he cautioned against it stating that it could cause her heart to stop due to the build up of pressure in her chest. Fortunately, as she recovered it was deemed not necessary and I realized it's a good thing I'm not a doctor!       

 

Within about 4 hours, she was declared stable enough to move to ICU where they continued to administer four additional 250 mL IV bags worth of bicarb to her. The attending nurse observed that her sugar was still extremely high because their handheld instruments only read to 700 and it was beyond that. 

At 2:00, I was told that I had to leave for the patients' daily Ruhezeit (Quiet Time) so I asked the nurse about a restaurant I had been wanting to try for several years: Dyer's Burgers. As a local, she cautioned me against driving to the chaotic original spot on Beale Street and instead directed me to the little known second location in Collierville. A quick glance at my GPS also confirmed her recommendation— although the Beale Street store was geographically closer, the heavy tourist traffic made the actual travel time much longer. She was quite knowledgeable and seemed to answer everything I asked except whether building the pyramids was considered a pyramid scheme.

 

So, on an empty stomach and a prayer I drove headlong into the Grand Division that is the Western Tennessee countryside. It was amazing how quickly the glass and steel commercialism of Memphis faded away and was replaced by endless miles of rolling green hills and bucolic pastures. I was similarly unprepared for the beautiful town square where Dyer's was located. Not only is it listed on the National Register of Historic Places but it was also ranked by Parade magazine in 2014 as the "Best Main Street" in America. On the "Judgemental Map of Memphis" Collierville seems to be located between 10-acre properties that were formerly slave plantations and where wealthy CEOs are chauffeured to their "jobs." 

 

 

Established in 1866, the Collierville Historic District is unique in that its varied architectural influences are primarily overlaid on conventional building frames. The diverse styles included Colonial Revival, Commercial Italianate, Greek Revival and Queen Anne. However, Dyer's chose to embrace a Western False Front architecture to mimic that of an Old Wild West Saloon. 

 

The building housing the restaurant was believed to have been built in 1897 and while the interior has been dressed up with a lot of memorabilia and current news paper articles, the original ceiling still remains intact.

   

Of course, I wasn't there to ogle the architecture but rather try their world famous burgers cooked in grease that's almost as ancient as the restaurant itself! That's right, Dyer's special recipe is simply recycling the same oil from the original batch in 1912. According to lore, a lazy cook forgot to dump the grease from the previous night and instead reused it when cooking burgers the following day. Something about the unique seasoning and the overnight marination of it led to customers asking for the special burgers so they began straining it nightly and reusing it. 

 

But while it's debatable how much of the original grease is actually still intact, it does make for a good story and ensures Dyer's frying process is unique. In much the same way Kentucky Fried Chicken transitioned to using "KFC" to omit the perceived dirty word "fried", Dyer's has also taken a similar tongue-in-cheek approach. Touting the medicinal benefits, they've even dubbed their special formula as "Vitamin G." 

 

So, not wanting to miss my recommended daily allowance of Vitamin G, I ordered their largest burger available: The Off-Road 4x4 which consisted of four 3-oz. patties and four slices of cheese. And for the final culinary coup de grace, I asked for it to be "Double-Dipped." This is Dyer's Secret Menu Hack wherein the entire burger is quickly dunked in the world-famous grease. It's performed quickly enough that the bun doesn't get soggy but long enough to coat everything in a mouth-watering sheen of deliciousness. 

 

 

I quickly discovered that even lettuce tastes great this way and the final few bites of the moist, grease-soaked bun were pure heaven. Believe it or not, I do have a sensitive stomach and can tell when I've consumed less than high-quality food. Despite the copious amounts of purported 100 year-old animal fat I ingested, it was all ultra-pure as I didn't suffer any dyspepsia. Now, I wouldn't drive almost 6 hours again to eat it, but it was certainly an unusual burger to add to my Gastronaut resume.

 

Throughout my visit, I was waited on by a young teenage girl who looked as if she had swallowed a watermelon. I didn't see a wedding ring and could only assume she was unmarried. It reminded me again that even with the vast differences between my age group and Gen Z, indoor games like "Hide the Salami" are still just as popular now as they were forty years ago.   

 

On the drive back to Memphis, which I must admit was mostly accomplished in a hazy food coma, I happened to come across the most unusual vehicle of the entire trip. It was an exotic Lincoln, which I understand is an oxymoron since I don't believe those two words have never been uttered together. Regardless, I don't know how else to explain the presence of a rare 400hp Lincoln. Helping it's anonymity,  it's nearly indistinguishable from its much more common 2.0 turbocharged sibling which only generates 245hp, a sum incapable of motivating its 3,900-lb. curb weight with any significant authority.    

 

But this special variant, called the MKZ and denoted by the 3.0T badge on its fiberglass stern, indicates the presence of a twin-turbo six cylinder pumping out equal amounts of 400 horsepower and 400 torque. However, the V6 is not a twister like the 3.5 in my Fusion. Whereas mine makes its peak power at a lofty 6250rpm, the MKZ's 400hp arrives much lower at 5500rpm, ostensibly for reliability reasons. The Lincoln is also quite anti-Ozempic, tipping the scales at 4,300lbs. Opting out of the complexity and weight of the AWD platform shaves around 250lbs but drops power to 350hp, because the engineers likely agreed that funneling 400hp solely to the front wheels was a recipe for disaster.           

    

Prior to Amanda being admitted to Saint Francis Hospital, we had only planned to stay in Memphis overnight so I hastily had to arrange some type of accommodation for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, the Church of God's 116th Holy Convocation had descended on the city and the 30,000 faithful were as religiously fervent as Hamas. Due to that, hotel rooms were scare and the only ones available were guilty of price-gouging. Luckily, my notoriety preceded me and the front desk clerk recognized me as the guest who had caused all the commotion earlier. She took pity on me and allowed me to stay in my same room indefinitely. However, it was most assuredly not The Peabody (which was $400 per night) and instead of cute ducks in the lobby, my hotel's mascot was a rabid raccoon. I also think all the marijuana smoke in the parking lot had imbued it with super powers, but thankfully I never confirmed it. 

 

Additionally, my urban lodging was quite unforgettable as over the next week I experienced what it was like living as a bachelor in a big city. Only this wasn't the desirable single life glamorized in movies with endless parties and a hot girl next door. No, mine consisted of spending my days at the hospital and lonely nights visiting the hotel laundromat where it cost $10 to clean and dry my only set of clothes. Victoria had jokingly suggested I buy new ones at Five Below and honestly it would probably have been cheaper to do that. 

 

Surprisingly, in 2022 Memphis was rated the most dangerous city in America and recorded 299 homicides. As I traveled around I tried to be cognizant of that (particularly at night) but fortunately I was staying a little east of Memphis in Bartlett, a much safer suburb. Common sense also dictated not to visit any dangerous areas like South Memphis, Binghampton or the toilet at Graceland that Elvis died on. Thankfully, I never felt threatened but there was always an underlying uneasiness during my whole tenure in Memphis. I've been to similar crime-ridden cities like Chicago, D.C. and New York and never experienced anything like it.  I suppose some of that could be attributed to the anxiety from my wife's hospitalization but overall the town just seems to have a very foreboding atmosphere surrounding it.         

Looking for different restaurants that I'd never tried and were local, I stumbled upon Gus’s World Famous Hot & Spicy Fried Chicken. With just 30 locations nationwide, it was not over-commercialized like some fast food places and GQ magazine boldly proclaimed it "The Best Fried Chicken in the World." However, upon arriving I noticed the most morbid form of advertising I've ever personally witnessed: a black hearse was parked out front with a huge sign declaring "Chicken so good it's worth dying for." Well, Amanda almost technically qualified for that so I figured I was in the right place. Alas, it was hot and fresh but otherwise about on-par with Popeyes spicy fried chicken. It was certainly not life-changing nor would I seek it out again even if I lived nearby.   

During the whole hospitalization, I'd done my best to not alarm Victoria about the severity of Amanda's illness. After all, her fiance had just left for boot camp and she was missing him terribly. Also, just a month prior she was involved in an accident whereby she saw two people perish when the school bus in front of them collided with a vehicle on the way to a football game. Her mental state was already very fragile and with us stuck 5 hours away in Memphis I didn't want any unnecessary stress imposed on her. 

But they say when it rains it pours, so when she asked if I was alone, I knew something was wrong. She said she didn't want to upset her mother but she confided in me that the night before she had been driving back to college when a deer ran out in front of her and she wrecked her car trying to avoid it. 

Back in 2022, when we bought her brand new Kia Forte we discussed a lot of things but the number one priority was safety. Naturally, I objected to the inflated COVID prices and the $4000 premium we paid above MSRP, but I felt confident that it was the best car for the money. And it turned out to be a very good investment as the Forte literally gave its life to protect her. She said it was dark and raining, and as she rounded a corner it apparently startled a deer who then ran out in front of her. Instinctively, she said she swerved and felt the car go into a slide as the tires lost contact on the wet pavement. The last thing she said she remembers is seeing the traction control and the electronic stability lights flashing before her vehicle left the road. I couldn't fault her or the car as even the most advanced safety features in the world cannot defeat the laws of physics. However, 38 years of engineering improvements can make a huge difference— my 1986 Fiero was the same approximate size and weight as her Forte and when I wrecked in a similar situation it flipped several times while hers never did.  I'm also grateful for the advanced air bags that monitored impact severity and adjusted accordingly so she walked away with nothing more than a mild concussion.

 

The exterior body was designed with reinforced, high-strength steel and in crash tests it was one of the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) Top Safety Picks of 2022. I credit that with it holding up so well despite the severe impact. Miraculously, none of the glass shattered and there's very little visible damage save for the passenger side strike. The most noticeable item is the missing mirror which was cleanly sheared off and the crumpled door and fender panel. Otherwise, the front, rear and driver-side areas were all undamaged.    

 

It started right up and despite a warning that the backup camera was not working, drove perfectly. Honestly, the biggest difficulty I encountered was trying to see with all the deflated airbags covering the windows. But the worst part in this whole sordid ordeal was dealing with Progressive Insurance as they purposely over-inflated the repair costs so they could justify totaling it. I knew the airbags were going to be costly but they checked in at only $2800 versus the $5000 I was expecting. Instead, it was the seat belts that surprised me the most with each one costing $950 to replace (that's $450 for the belt, $300 for the tensioner and $200 for the buckle.) Of course, the belts weren't damaged but after an accident of that magnitude they're required to replace them. The single most expensive part ended up being the right front door shell at $1,065, followed by the right rear door shell at $842 and the right rear quarter panel at $523. 

 

The complete cost of all the parts was calculated at $8,023 followed by labor costs of $6,485 and paint/materials was another $920. Of course, any reputable body shop could do it a lot cheaper but even my insurance agent admitted that Progressive would rather total it than pay to fix it. And in an attempt to console me, he confessed his mother also hit a deer the same week. It was a nice platitude but realistically did zero to improve my situation.

 

Finally, after the Forte was hauled to an auction lot in Alabama I was made aware that Victoria had forgotten her new $300 Burberry sunglasses in the overhead bin. Normally, I would have considered them a lost cause but after everything she had been through I decided to try and retrieve them for her. Her car was located at the Copart facility near Mobile and if you've ever been remotely exposed to buying or selling a car, you've probably heard of them at some point.  It's the largest salvage company in the U.S. and they auction off virtually every type of car imaginable. Want a Ferrari 360 that an angry wife vandalized when she caught her husband cheating? They have it. Or how about a $477,000 Ferrari F8 Spider that briefly became a submarine when Hurricane Helene flooded Tampa? They have it. And don't forget the rich idiot who couldn't handle the 819hp of his brand new 2024 Ferrari 296 and completely rearranged the front-end.

 

Unfortunately, the Google scores for my Copart were not encouraging. Multiple people had posted reviews claiming that their items had been stolen out of their car and I figured an expensive pair of sunglasses like hers might last about as long as an ice cream cone on a hot August afternoon. Even worse, it was only open Monday-Friday so I had to take a day off from work to drive there and then was subjected to Pentagon-level security checks before I could even enter. Once there, I had to don a hardhat and a orange vest and wait thirty minutes while an attendant brought the KIA up to the front office. Miraculously, her sunglasses were still there so either I was very lucky or they simply hadn't been discovered. Either way, she was thrilled and it was the first good news of the entire month.

 

Nearly 60 days later, Amanda has finally been able to go back to work and I reminded her that while some people take vacations, she apparently enjoys visiting hospitals. After all, in the past six months she has visited three different emergency rooms in three different states. Furthermore, I can sympathize with Luigi Mangione as the entire reason Amanda fell into the diabetic coma in Memphis was because her sugar spiked while she slept and neither of us knew it. For the past five years, my health insurance has steadfastly refused to cover her insulin pump and this was the result of that. Had she died due to their corporate greed, I would have held them personally responsible. Ironically, their attempts to save money by not paying for a pump have backfired and now they're on the hook for tens of thousands due to her sudden hospitalization at Saint Francis.  

 

However, after this fiasco Amanda was able to get a glucose monitor and it has (literally) been a life-saver. We still have to pay $150 monthly for it but it's the best insurance we can get. The photo below illustrates the wild swings her blood sugar takes, going from too high (250+) to dangerously low (50) all within a narrow 6 hour window. When it plunged to 50 at 3a.m., it alerted her and she was able to quickly consume some orange juice which corrected it. Otherwise, she would have slipped into another diabetic coma and low blood sugar is even more destructive than the high blood sugar that almost killed her in Memphis. 

 

 

Progressive has finally begun the paperwork to pay the vehicle off. As such, we're still in limbo with the car and it's expected to take another month before everything is finalized. Making matters worse, Amanda's health has literally been in free fall since her emergency brain surgery in 2018 with each passing year bringing a multitude of new illnesses.  To say all this has been a nightmare would be an understatement and I can unequivocally affirm that 2024 has been our worst year ever. Amanda jokes about using up her nine lives, but the truth is she has narrowly escaped death three times since 2020 and I'm worried how much more trauma her body can handle. 

Hopefully, 2025 will be a better and brighter year for us and we'll start it by getting Victoria a replacement for her beloved Kia. Of course, I already have a vehicle in mind and once she gets her sweaty little mitts on it, I don't think she'll miss the Forte at all. Also, unlike the past couple years, I pray Amanda's health improves enough for us to start traveling again as I've got several, long-gestating ideas for Pirate Press I can't wait to write!