Pandemic Paradise
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Pirate Press September 2020
As my fourteen year-old daughter dry-heaved by the side of the road at 6:30 in the morning, I wondered if our spontaneous trip to Universal Studios might not have been the best idea. Fortunately, it wasn’t anything life-threatening, but like mixing Mentos and Diet Coke, she learned never to take antibiotics on an empty stomach and then chase them with a Red Bull. She then proceeded to sleep for almost the entirety of our 8-hour trip, something I certainly wish I could have done.
Truth be told, Amanda and I didn’t know what we would be getting ourselves into when we undertook a spur-of-the-moment trip to Orlando for Independence Day weekend. Months prior, we had booked a Disney trip for that weekend, but as Covid cases began blowing up in Florida, the House of Mouse got cold feet (paws?) and cancelled all our reservations. Meanwhile, Universal Studios, which is begrudgingly accustomed to playing second fiddle to Disney, saw the opportunity and seized it, reopening all their parks on June 5th.
Emboldening our rather risky decision was the furtive hope that enough of the frightened chicken littles would stay away so that we could sufficiently enjoy everything that Universal had to offer. After all, Universal is well aware of the massive summer crowds and specifically sells Express Passes designed to mitigate those infuriating delays. But at a cost of $60 per-person per-day, we were looking at over $500, and that didn’t even include the standard park admission, our hotel, or food. Suddenly, our little weekend getaway was adding up to several thousand dollars.
Even so, our first—and last—visit to Universal was during Spring Break 2018 and, unlike Disney, there were plenty of new things for us to ride and experience. So, we rolled the dice and pointed our Santa Fe towards Orlando, all the while hoping that we weren’t making a very expensive mistake.
Although we didn’t spot any Silver Alerts this time, Florida was testing their Interstate Messaging system with hilarious results. An “FDOT Message” appeared to indicate that “FOOT Massages” were available at various exits and I had to wonder how many motorists stopped to fruitlessly inquire at gas stations and local businesses about the non-existent podiatric treatment. I bet some older, Robert Kraft-types were even hoping for a “Happy Ending.”
But rather than stopping at the Pensacola Rest Area as we’ve done in that past, we held in our bodily fluids so that we had an uninterrupted 4-hour trip to Tallahassee where we exited for lunch. Previously, our favorite place to eat there was Chuy’s, a Tex-Mex chain that I’ve delightfully rhapsodized about in these pages before. But as of late, it seems that we’re about as welcome as Thanos, as three out of the four locations we’ve visited recently have permanently closed. To wit, our first-time dining at the Atlanta Aker’s Mill location in October 2018 resulted in it folding in March 2019. Similarly, we then visited the Tuscaloosa outpost in June 2019 only for it to be shuttered in November. And finally, our beloved Tallahassee venue served its last meal in March of this year. That leaves our nearest location now as the one four hours away in marshy Lafayette, Louisiana. How that isolated eatery has managed to survive is beyond me, as I would have expected it to be the first casualty in the initial round of closings.
Nevertheless, vacation is an opportunity
for me to indulge in all the delicacies not available in Mississippi, so after
checking into our hotel, we ended up at the Chuy’s on International Drive.
Orlando might be a city of 2 Million, but just about everything you want or
need can be found along International Drive. Even with limited seating, the
restaurant was nearly vacant and I refrained from gushing enthusiastically to our
waitress about how thrilled I was to be dining there for the first time in a
year. Amanda discouraged this behavior because she claimed I’d look like a “weirdo”
because “no normal person gets that excited to eat at Chuy’s.” But, despite her
opinion, and my personal belief that it’s bad luck to have the best meal on the
first day of the trip, I did like Chuy’s more than anything else I ate,
including the 75-day dry-aged Australian Wagyu ribeye at The Boat House in
Disney Springs. It's a prime example of the most expensive food not necessarily being the most enjoyable.
Of course, opinions on whether we should visit Florida during the height of the pandemic were divided; Most understood our logic that this would realistically be the best time to visit as crowds would be thinnest, while a few such as her jealous sister proclaimed us to be “crazy.” But as we learned during our five days there, with the constant temperature checks, hand sanitizer before and after every ride, and mandatory mask policies, it was actually safer than grocery shopping at our local Wal-Mart. The only issues were that for the 3D rides (and there are a lot in Universal Studios) wearing a face mask caused my 3D glasses to fog up. My solution for this was to quietly slip the mask under my nose once the ride was underway and they were none the wiser. Secondly, the brand and viscosity of the hand-sanitizer varied greatly from ride to ride, but at a few stations it was so slimy that I’d swear they’d gotten it confused with bottles of Astro Glide.
As for our face masks, there’s a funny story surrounding that: Last Summer, we took Victoria to the Ariana Grande concert in New Orleans and one of the overpriced pieces of merch she bought was a “Thank U Next” face mask. It seemed a really odd thing to buy at the time, and I distinctly remember complaining that she would never wear it. Prior to this, the only group I had even seen wearing face masks in public were random Asians, and I ridiculed them for that. After all, I felt that face masks and doctor’s scrubs belonged in the operating room, and I generally looked down upon individuals parading around in them. Yet before 2020, I don’t think any of us ever envisioned a future where we’d be required to wear face masks for any reason.
Our hotel was the Surfside Inn and Suites, chosen specifically because it was one of the least expensive accommodations on Universal property. This was important because not only did it give us free transportation to and from the parks every day, it also allowed us early entrance before the general public. And unlike Disney which is built on a sprawling swamp, our hotel was conveniently located across from a Walgreens. As such, my daughter and I were able to scramble over a fence and pick up a case of spring water for $4, the same price charged for a single bottle in our hotel’s tourist-trap gift shop. We also nabbed some granola, cereal, and milk for quick and inexpensive breakfasts. This allowed us to get out of the room and onto the bus with minimal downtime every morning.
Compared to the long lines and chaos of our last visit during Spring Break 2018, Universal looked downright deserted when we arrived, with just a few people casually strolling in. Some of this was because many of the CityWalk restaurants like Cowfish had been closed since early March, while other restaurants didn’t open until 4:00 for dinner. We had to keep pinching ourselves that it was real, because the lack of tourists made it theme park heaven!
Our first attraction was one I missed the opening of by two weeks last time, so we made a beeline for it. Surprisingly, we were the first (and amazingly) only riders for Fast & Furious: Supercharged. We entered a pseudo-garage and were met with a live actor who clued us in on the plot. Behind him were two big screens that featured pre-recorded videos of both Jordana Brewster and Ludacris, designed specifically to heighten the immersion. Apparently, The Rock and Vin Diesel were too busy (or important) for this, although their voices were heard later during phone calls directing us what to do.
The three of us boarded a track-coaster engineered to look like a bus and the fun began. Honestly, with a digitized Keanu Reeves, it could have doubled perfectly for a ride based on the movie SPEED. Instead, we witnessed cinematics of Vin Diesel and The Rock helping us escape a cadre of machine gun-wielding criminals. Unfortunately, the screens appeared a little stretched, resulting in an anamorphic distortion that didn’t look quite right. In the end, we all enjoyed the ride but agreed that it wasn’t something we’d want to experience again. And predictably, the bus emptied us out in front of the gift shop, so we had to endure an awkward slog through a veritable maze of shameless marketing tie-ins like Fast & Furious beach towels and a life-size Vin Diesel poster (steroids sold separately).
The next ride we hopped on was The Amazing Spider-Man which we also hadn’t tried before. Like Fast & Furious, it too was a track-coaster, but the initial entrance winds through a facsimile of The Daily Bugle newspaper office. I was mildly amused to see the old telephones, typewriters and newspapers of which I grew up with, but my daughter had no clue about. It was a sobering reminder of how rapidly technology has changed the world we live in. Despite that, the unanimous verdict was that Spider-Man was a much more fun experience than Fast & Furious and one we’d definitely ride again.
I’ve, perhaps somewhat uncharitably, referred to Universal Orlando as the “Graveyard of Brendan Fraser’s Career” but with rides based on both The Mummy and Dudley Do-Right I contend it’s an apt description. After all, Fraser had a meteoric rise with the first Mummy movie, but a string of increasingly ill-received sequels (The Mummy Returns, The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor) and other bizarre career choices (2010’s Furry Vengeance & 2014’s aptly named The Nut Job) effectively ruined his bankability. Now, Universal’s Revenge of the Mummy and Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls are painful reminders of Brendan Fraser’s better days.
And illustrating the topsy-turvy nature of Hollywood, my daughter knows who The Rock is but not Brendan Fraser. To her generation, Dwayne Johnson has always been a larger-than-life fixture in movies like The Fast & Furious. She doesn’t understand that it was Brendan Fraser’s Mummy movie that kickstarted The Rock’s theatrical career.
So due to the empty lines, Victoria and I were able to ride Revenge of the Mummy three times in succession, although by the final time I was feeling pretty beaten up because it’s a really violent coaster. Aside from that, I think it’s one of the better ones thanks to the fire and other practical effects they include in it.
I imagined Dudley Do-Right’s Ripsaw Falls as Universal’s version of Splash Mountain. Unfortunately, the set design for it was sorely lacking and seemed almost unfinished in places. As one of Islands of Adventure’s original rides from 1999, it was definitely showing its age. Despite that, I still found the 50-degree, 75-foot drop to be more thrilling than the newer Jurassic Park ride which was updated last year.
For lunch, I decided to try the real-life version of a cartoon sandwich I’ve aspired to sample nearly my whole life, the Dagwood, based on the Blondie comic strip. Sadly, newspaper comic strips are another childhood pleasure that my daughter will never know or understand. Nevertheless, I can certainly recall Blondie being the most attractive female character of all the comic strips. She was certainly the O.G. MILF. What teenage boy in the 1970s and 1980s wouldn’t have enjoyed a story arc where she posed for Playboy?
But while it’s nearly impossible
to live up to over 40 years of anticipatory gastronomy, the actual Dagwood
sandwich wasn’t half-bad. I’m not a big fan of cold cuts on white bread—and while
it was definitely smaller than in the comic strip—it was still pretty tasty. It
featured onion and poppy seed bread stacked with baked ham, roast beef, turkey,
American and Swiss cheese, and topped with lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise and
mustard. Spotting the smattering of poppy seeds, I semi-joked with my wife that
I hoped I didn’t get drug-tested upon my return from vacation. Like sunflower
seeds, flax seeds and chia seeds, I’m a big fan of poppy seeds which
unfortunately can produce a false positive for both codeine and heroin in a
drug screen. After a pre-employment drug test and a “random” drug test six
months later, I wasn’t taking any chances. However, I told Amanda that if I did
get tested again, I’d certainly be the healthiest heroin addict they’d ever
seen!
All joking aside, my real drug of choice is Universal’s 1-pound Lard Lad Doughnut. At 1,617 calories and 86 grams of artery-clogging fat, it’s probably only slightly better for me than actual heroin. The first time I had one in 2018 it was so good that I greedily lamented sharing it with Amanda and Victoria. So, this time I bought a whole one just for myself and was thoroughly enjoying every decadent, sugary bite until a mother duck with several tiny ducklings approached me. Initially, I was able to ignore them, but the web-footed mendicant’s determination began to erode my iron resolve. Well, that and the fact that she bit Amanda’s bare leg which I thought was pretty funny. Of course, it didn’t break the skin but it certainly startled her. Following that, I hand-feed the mother duck several small pieces while pondering if ducks can get diabetes?
Arguably the hottest holiday to attend any Florida theme park is Fourth of July, but after surviving last year’s Independence Day at Disney, we felt confident that we could do the same this year at Universal. Fortunately, there were scattered showers around that not only provided ample cloud cover, but also much cooler temperatures after the brief rain had passed over.
However, Mother Nature worked
against us on our last day there as we attempted to ride the most popular
attraction at Universal, Hagrid’s Magical
Creatures Motorbike Adventure. I’m
living proof that you don’t have to watch the Harry Potter movies or know all the lore to enjoy Universal. So, while
I was only vaguely aware of who Hagrid is, I definitely knew that I wanted to
try his new roller coaster ride. But because the crowds and wait times had been
so minimal the four days we were there, an unusual complacency had set in and
we naively believed it wouldn’t be an issue to snag three seats on it.
That final morning, we diligently reserved our spots in Hagrid’s virtual queue, which is Universal’s equivalent of the boarding pass for Disney’s Rise of the Resistance. In retrospect, I suppose that should have clued me that it was no ordinary walk-on ride, but as I stated above, I’m blissfully ignorant when it comes to most Harry Potter mythology. Only later did I learn that after it opened last summer, the wait times sometimes stretched as long as 10 hours!
The problems started when we arrived at our designated time only to discover that the ride had been shut down for repairs. Apparently, the more complex and newer the attraction is, the more mechanical malfunctions can be expected of it. I call that the “Ferrari Effect” as cost is not commensurate with reliability. You’d think a $100,000 sports car would be built like a vault, but in reality a new $16,000 Kia is more durable and dependable, albeit just not nearly as exciting. And with Hagrid’s coaster costing $300,000,000 (or roughly the same as a Boeing 777 jumbo jet) that’s a whole lot of expensive parts and pieces to break. It also makes it the world’s costliest coaster, surpassing the previous record set by Disney’s $100 million Expedition Everest.
However, it was still early in the morning and we were issued Express Passes to use later in the day when it was operational again. So, we left to ride some other attractions, eat at the Hard Rock Cafe, ride some more things and return only to worryingly discover that it still was closed. At this point, it was nearing 4:00 in the afternoon and Universal’s truncated Pandemic schedule had the parks closing at 6:00. Suddenly, the realization hit us that we could be leaving without getting to experience the most exciting ride in all of Florida.
So, we decided to simply wait in line near the front entrance hoping that it would be up and running before our time expired. A lot of other people were also doing the same thing and I’ve often remarked that few things in life are more miserable than standing in an endless Theme Park line during the dog days of Summer. Even a brief fist fight between two small boys provided only a tiny break in the boredom. And every few minutes, a random park goer would approach an employee asking about the ride, as if that might somehow miraculously revive it and we could all board it cheerfully singing and laughing. But the cruel reality is that never happened.
With the clock slowly counting down, the possibility of us getting to ride Hagrid seemed less and less likely. In the intervening time, I watched the employees who were stationed behind the entrance, hoping any second that one might step forward and open the gate, or even make an announcement about the ride, rather than allowing us to suffer like Tantalus, with Hagrid’s shiny steed just beyond our mortal grasp.
However, Amanda had been coolly studying every small detail and suddenly commanded us to quickly move from our long-held spot to a more obscure entrance on the side. Without saying a word that might tip off the assembled mob and create a mini-riot, we quietly did as we were told. Once there, she whispered in my ear that she glimpsed Hagrid’s ride making test passes behind the wall.
Sure enough, five minutes later an employee ordered everyone to line up and people began furiously scrambling for spots like they were giving away flat-screen TVs on Black Friday. Thanks to Amanda’s prophetic directive to switch areas, we were just a few people away from the entrance. But it was the grim faces of anguish, desperation and complete defeat from the folks who were still trapped in our old location that really hit home. As we walked briskly into Hagrid’s attraction, I tried not to make eye contact with the glares from the forlorn lost souls, lest looks really could kill.
We quickly made our way down multiple hallways and veritable mazes of railing designed to daily contain thousands of sweaty, exhausted, sunburned tourists that were now eerily vacant. And unlike Amanda, who had already read about and watched all the videos of Hagrid’s ride, I deliberately wanted it to be a surprise. And a surprise it would certainly be!
Due to social distancing and as a single rider, I got my own motorcycle while Victoria took the driver’s seat in theirs and Amanda got stuck in the sidecar.
They were a couple cars ahead of me, and as I was still stuck in the tunnel waiting for my turn to go, I could see them literally blast off. Unlike the old-generation roller coasters that primarily required gravity and momentum for speed, these new electric coasters have linear synchronous motors that provide immense amounts of torque for instantaneous acceleration. Although it can go much faster, Hagrid’s motorcycle is governed for safety to 50 mph which it hits from a standstill in four-seconds flat. That ranks right up there with some of the world’s best sports cars, and in an open-wheeled motorcycle, it is equally frightening and thrilling.
Supposedly, there’s a tremendous backstory to the attraction meant to satisfy even the most ardent Harry Potter fan. To that end, the designers planted 1,200 trees to fully replicate the Forbidden Forest setting. And at nearly a mile in length (5,053 feet) it’s also the longest roller coaster in Florida. But while those figures are certainly impressive, the truth is I was too busy holding on for dear life during the 3-minute thrill ride to really appreciate or notice all the attention to detail.
Hagrid’s even holds a world record for being the first roller coaster to employ a total of seven jaw-dropping launches. Of course, the first comes when the ride begins, and you feel like you’re literally shot out of a cannon. While traditional coasters have a cart to sit in that offers some semblance of protection and security, Hagrid’s motorcycle leaves the rider almost completely exposed and vulnerable. With only a restraint bar across my legs, trust me when I say that I really felt like I was going to fly off the motorcycle in some of the crazy curves.
As the coaster ripped around the track with multiple eye-watering, neck-snapping launches, I held on with white knuckles, not knowing what lay around the next blind section. Suddenly, the track ahead appeared to go straight up, a Steampunk Stairway to Heaven. At this point, I was essentially a helpless passenger and—quite honestly— didn’t know what to expect. I just knew that it was either gonna be a helluva drop on the other side, or that it was going to flip completely upside down.
As it turns out, I was wrong on both guesses as the track extended nearly straight up 65-feet in the air and then abruptly ended. This was no optical illusion, and as I reached the end of the track, the coaster slowed and I suddenly began rolling backwards at 50 mph.
“Oh Shhhiiiiiiiiiittt!” was all I could muster as my motorcycle furiously flew backwards down the track. My worst fear is not being able to see where I’m going, and I absolutely hate going backwards. Bravo, Hagrid, you’ve successfully exploited my worst anxiety!
But it wasn’t over yet: Did I mention how much I hate drops? Lucky me, Hagrid’s is only the second coaster in the nation to offer a body-jolting, 17-foot drop.
And before I could even gain my orientation, we had blasted off again and were flying through yet more curves and dips. Then we entered a huge straight away and, given the distance we'd covered, I surmissed it was near the end of the ride. I distinctly recall Hagrid’s voice admonishing me to use the “Dragon Fire” and I saw a purple flashing button on the motorcycle’s instrument panel. I’d like to say that I punched that button at the perfect time, but in reality, I was too frozen with fear to loosen my death-grip on the handlebars. Nevertheless, it switched on automatically, and the speed poured on again with the final—and longest—burst of the entire ride. I was hunkered down on the motorcycle and it felt like I was going so fast that the wind would start ripping the skin fresh off my face. How 50 mph on a motorcycle can feel more terrifying than 160 mph in a car I’ll never understand, but it was by far the most exciting thing I’ve ever ridden.
As we pulled back into the castle, I could see Victoria up ahead and she was grinning like a maniac. My ears were literally ringing from the adrenaline rush, and without even asking her, I knew this would be her (and my) new favorite ride. It’s the closest I’ve ever felt being scared to death, without actually dying, so I suppose that’s a good thing.
But the story doesn’t end there: Just as we disembarked, we heard the announcement that lightning had been spotted in the area and that Hagrid’s ride was going to be closed for the rest of the day. Apparently, between Florida’s frequent bad weather and Hagrid’s temperamental nature, it has earned a reputation as one of the most unreliable attractions in the entire theme park industry. Over the past year, some months it’s been down nearly half the time the park was open. In October 2019, Hagrid’s uptime was only 41% of the typical operating day. In comparison, that’s even worse than the 46% that it posted during June 2019, its opening month when initial teething problems are typically at their worst. Even the new Smuggler’s Run attraction has never fallen below 90% availability during park hours at either Disneyland or Disney’s Hollywood Studios.
And it also seems Universal may have had just plain ole back luck. When thunderstorms and mechanical malfunctions weren’t sidelining the attraction, a bizarre bee infestation shut the ride down for several days last fall. And most recently, a backstage fire has closed it indefinitely.
Despite all that bad juju, it’s certainly worth the effort and waiting in line if you happen to find yourself at Universal. The motorcycle aspect makes Hagrid unique in the world of roller coasters, and when you experience one of the launches, you get the added sensation of what nitrous feels like on two wheels without having to explain yourself to a judge.
