Scarlet Fever
(And why buying a new car is more painful than the deadly disease)
Pirate
Press June 2025
***35th Anniversary***
By now, I'm sure most of my audience is well aware of the incident which robbed my daughter of her car last November. I won't rehash it here, but the full story is available for those who missed it or simply want to revisit it.
As such, the last seven months have been quite challenging as she has been bereft of her cherished independence and we have had the unenviable task of finding a suitable replacement in the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression nearly 100 years ago.
Spoiler Alert: We eventually sourced a reasonable substitute of which the exterior color is "Scarlet Red Pearl," an energetic tincture that inspired my comparison between the agony we endured and the legendary pathogen. Thankfully, it's also no relation to the nearby Scarlet Pearl Casino and Resort of which she is still roughly 14 months shy of being allowed admittance to. That notwithstanding, I've heard good things about their steakhouse and they do claim to offer Japanese A5 Wagyu Strip Loin for $35 per ounce. However, being a self-proclaimed "steak snob" I would have serious reservations that their munificence is commensurate with the authentic A5 Wagyu I consumed in Manhattan.
Surprisingly, Scarlet Fever (like the Jonas Brothers) has experienced a most unwelcome resurgence recently with 4,622 cases reported in England in 2022 and among those were thirteen children who succumbed to the rare ailment.
Over the past two-hundred days, Victoria has been an inspiring example of patience, never once complaining or asking when she'd get another car. All agreed, this would be a tremendous display of self-control for an adult, but it's a monumental achievement for a teenager. And because she was so understanding, I put extra pressure on myself to find her something as quickly as possible. Naturally, this seemed to generate an opposite reaction wherein the harder I tried, the more setbacks I encountered.
Although there are countless automotive search engines available, I had primarily leaned on Autotrader when I bought my Fusion in 2020 and her new Forte in 2022. I would then select and sort by the most important criteria such as the lowest-priced non-convertible car with a clean title, low mileage and automatic transmission in a 200-mile radius. Eventually, I even found myself expanding that to 500 miles with no success. I can't possibly begin to confer the aggravation and frustration I encountered over the ensuing months of fruitless searching with it getting worse the longer it dragged on. I began to remark to Amanda that I honestly felt like it would be easier to find a real-life unicorn than a car with both low-miles and a low-price.
Fortunately, Victoria had been able to catch rides to and from college with her roommate but that time was quickly drawing to a close as the school year ended. And adding to her discomfort, the air-conditioner had abruptly quit working making the hour-long drives even more miserable.
Meanwhile, we were having similarly depressing trips logging 400-500 miles each weekend examining potential candidates in neighboring states like Alabama, Florida and Louisiana. Cris-crossing the Gulf Coast states also reminded me how much I have come to loathe interstate travel and the total idiots that occupy it. Their newest fascination seems to be driving at or below the speed limit in the left lane, thereby preventing anyone from passing them. Being genuinely curious as to what encourages this absurd behavior, I did some extensive research and the explanation seems to be that they are completely unaware. (i.e. ignorance is bliss, apparently) However, my method for treating this affliction after a couple miles of tailgating with no response is to violently swing into the right lane, pass them at full-throttle and then whipsaw back in front of them to hopefully send a much-needed wake-up call. Sadly, this maneuver rarely produces the desired result (As comedian Ron White dryly observed, "You can't fix stupid.") but at least it makes me feel better and allows me to reach my destination faster.
The upside— albeit a small one— to our multi-state traveling was that it gave me the opportunity to dine at some of our favorite restaurants we normally wouldn't be close to. So, after getting shot down in Ft. Walton Beach for a vehicle that looked nothing like the photos online, we stopped off at Red Robin in Pensacola so I could attempt a new burger challenge. Last summer, I was at this very same Red Robin when I conquered their 1700-calorie Gold Medal Burger and apparently they took their defeat seriously as they had just recently unveiled an even unhealthier successor. Called the "Buzzer Beater Bacon Cheeseburger - Triple Pointer" the name is almost as big of a mouthful as the actual burger. It's also a nod to the March Madness Playoffs in much the same way the Gold Medal Burger honored the Summer Olympics.
Granted, it's no easy feat to make a burger more hazardous than their Gold Medal offering but they achieved that by removing every single redeeming fruit and vegetable (pickles, onion, lettuce and tomato) then doubling the cheese to a whopping SIX slices and crowning it with four strips of artery-clogging bacon. As dressed, it weighs in at 1,830 calories and 58 grams of juicy saturated fat (or what the average adult eats in three days.) But the fun doesn't stop there; each serving of Bottomless Fries adds 350 calories and a 2-ounce serving of the Roasted Garlic Aioli dipping sauce packs in an extra 500 calories. Wash it down with a couple large soft drinks or sweet teas as I did and it's a tidy 3,000 calorie lunch. It's like an Anti-Ozempic meal for anorexics!
Offending vegetarians is my full-time job!
In 2021, we had looked at a 2010 V6 Mustang in Florida for her but the car was very overpriced and the dealership refused to negotiate. Despite that, she still has always wanted a pony car so this time around we also considered a Camaro.
Ironically, I found a V6 Camaro for sale at Treadwell Ford where I briefly worked in the summer of '92. It looked good in the carefully-staged pictures and seemed to be well-priced so I made a bee-line over there after work. Once I arrived, not a single salesman approached me but I managed to find it on the lot nonetheless. However, I was unprepared for the visual damage that I discovered. Granted, I'm accustomed to pre-owned vehicles having slight scrapes and visual imperfections but I was literally floored by the glaring gouges on the Camaro's quarter panel. Moreover, this wasn't just a recent injury but one that had been left untreated for months (or maybe even years) as evidenced by the deep corrosion that had set in like automotive gangrene. Why the owner had never fixed it and why the dealer decided to sell it in that condition was never disclosed. But after recently receiving the insurance report on Victoria's car I knew that it was easily a $3000 or more repair with the quarter panel alone fetching $1,500. Needless to say, that was a deal-breaker and I left as hastily as I had arrived.
Scrolling Facebook Marketplace, Amanda found a Mustang with a price that I told her was simply too good to be true for the mileage and the model year. Sure enough, it wasn't disclosed on the dealer website but a deep dive into the Carfax uncovered that it was a bank repossession with three years of missing service history. Perhaps I'm being judgemental, but something tells me that the owner wasn't especially concerned with keeping the maintenance current, possibly because he was expecting its imminent forfeiture.
After Easter, I found myself in New Orleans test-driving a 2017 Mustang with the Ecoboost four-cylinder. Ideally, I was looking for that generation (S550) with a V6 but they were only made for two short years, from 2015-2017. My logic was that the six-cylinder would require less maintenance and have fewer problems than the turbocharged variant which was plagued with engine failures.
Having driven a 2012 Mustang GT when I was looking for my Corvette back in 2018, I was immediately impressed with how much of an improvement it was over the S195 predecessor. The interior ergonomics were light-years ahead and the car felt so much more stable, largely due to the stiffer chassis and independent rear suspension. Unfortunately, acceleration was underwhelming and it certainly didn't seem like all 310 horses were present and accounted for. Part of the blame can be attributed to the pony's mid-life weight gain— a whopping 3,700 lbs which is quite a burden on a small-displacement four-cylinder, even one with a turbocharger. In comparison, the last turbo four Mustang, the SVO, tipped the scales at just 2,900 lbs.
The salesman encouraged me to give it the spurs, so a couple times I flat-footed the throttle from a 30-40 mph roll and I would definitely characterize the response as soft. It felt like there was a considerable amount of turbo lag present. Obviously, Ford tunes the car with an eye toward reliability and for a variety of conditions, so I'm definitely not the target demographic. But despite really liking the car as a whole, the dealer declined to discount the inflated cost so I left again empty-handed.
I realized it was the wrong season to be shopping for a sports car (and the corresponding higher insurance and poor fuel economy were doing me no favors either) so I switched gears to looking for something more like the Forte she previously had.
I decided to google the most reliable compact cars and discovered that the Hyundai Elantra was right alongside her Kia.
Obviously. the Civic and Corolla were too plebeian but I was intrigued by the Elantra. Back in 2017, I rented a Hyundai Accent for a month and really enjoyed it despite its economy car roots. As I researched the Elantra, I discovered that it was very similar to her ex-Forte which makes sense given that Hyundai is the parent company of Kia and they share a lot of the same platforms.
However, we had experienced increased insurance rates for Amanda's Hyundai Santa Fe in 2023 when the rash of TikTok videos emerged showing how easy it was to hot-wire some models. When I inquired with my agent about this, he point-blank told me that our coverage had been "grandfathered" in and that otherwise it would be uninsurable. As a result, I was a little apprehensive about getting another Hyundai if this was still a factor.
That notwithstanding, I found a pristine, one-owner 2019 Elantra GT offered for sale in Metairie, Louisiana. Located just 7 miles north of New Orleans, it borders Lake Pontchartrain and is a much nicer, quieter suburb devoid of the debauchery and bacchanalia of Bourbon Street.
Likewise, I was pleased that it was at a large, established dealership as I'm typically suspicious of interacting with individuals and fly-by-night car lots. However, that's not to say that the owner of the dealership, Matt Bowers, is without his own scandals. After all, you don't build a $1 billion automotive empire in six years and own 12 dealerships without a few dirty dealings. With the average cost of a new dealership running $12 million, and an additional $4 million for annual operating costs, it's clear Bowers has had some deep-pocketed connections to ascend the ladder so quickly. A Times-Picayune article also claims he has used a predatory strategy in acquiring some of his dealerships by "sniffing out dealerships that could be suffering from the "third
generation curse," where a family owner has lost interest, or for a
recent ownership change, like a widowed second wife, who might be eager
to sell." Additionally, in 2022 Bowers was fined $27,000 by state regulators after authorities were tipped off that he engaged in illegal advertising activities.
Despite his unsavory reputation, I still found the dealership and the employees to be accommodating. During the test drive, I was actually quite surprised how sprightly it felt compared to the Mustang. Motivation comes from a 2.0-liter four-cylinder, but it does have the highest-specific output of any naturally-aspirated four that I've ever owned. At 161 hp, it not only trumps the 147 hp of her previous Kia, but also the 150 hp of my parent's 2.4-lter Altima and even my own hot-rod Saturn's 2.0-liter which boasted a ported throttle body, catless header and cold-air intake. Likewise, top speed is governed to 130 mph which I hope Victoria never discovers on her own.
HOT HATCH SUMMER
Similar to the Volkswagen GTI, the Elantra GT also hails from Europe and the Teutonic influence results in a sporty hatchback design that is both athletic and practical known as a "Hot Hatch." Car and Driver recorded 37 mpg at a steady 75 mph with a highway range of 510 miles on a single tank. Likewise, folding the rear seats down results in a whopping 55 cubic-feet of cargo space which was ideal for moving Victoria out of her dorm. And as crazy as it sounds, I was elated when I discovered that an actual spare tire was stowed under the trunk mat. Her 2022 Kia did not have one and automakers have increasing phased them out in a bid to save money. But despite the cavernous rear trunk, we still weren't able to take advantage of Matt Bowers' free pet alligator with every new car purchase.
As part of the GT package, it sports attractive two-tone tan seats
trimmed in black leather. Victoria remarked that the color combination
reminded her of a Mini Cooper and I had to agree.
The only factory options included $135 for carpeted floor mats and $115 for Mud Guards. Since it was being shipped to swampy Louisiana, Hyundai apparently deemed it necessary as if it might regularly see off-road duty escaping a hurricane or hunting Bigfoot. Also illustrating that the Korean engineers have no geographic understanding of the Southern United States, they included heated outside mirrors.
Giving me peace of mind about the purchase, the Elantra also came with a 90-day/4,000-mile bumper-to-bumper warranty in addition to a lifetime power-train warranty as long as it's serviced at a Matt Bowers facility. Furthermore, there was a comprehensive check of 139 separate points with quite a few items being replaced before I took delivery.
Four new Goodyear Eagle Sport tires were fitted to it and as per my personal new car checklist, I was eager to ensure that they were properly inflated. I was astonished that all the air pressures were nearly perfect but dismayed to discover that there were three different valve stem caps and one was missing entirely.
Such is exceedingly sloppy work (and the reason I perform these inspections) but I wasn't too enraged as it was merely cosmetic and also quite an inexpensive fix.
But as I painfully realized when purchasing her last car in 2022, the post-COVID automotive landscape has mutated to a business model that no longer benefits the consumer. Dealers know that current demand far outstrips supply and magnifying the problem is all the Chicken Littles scrambling to buy cars as an insulation hedge against rising tariffs. (Thanks Trump!) Matt Bowers is essentially the fox in the hen house and that left me with virtually no leverage. Even worse, unscrupulous dealers have gotten so greedy that they're now tacking on non-negotiable fees and questionably useful items that bump the total price by several thousand dollars.
For the Elanta, that meant a $1200 add-on composed of a Lojack anti-theft system and some dubious "Perma Plate" paint protection. I professed that I wanted neither and was able to get $300 knocked off as well as a measly $400 off the vehicle's sticker price. Admittedly, it wasn't much but it was better than nothing given the incendiary market conditions. Lastly, there was an additional $1500 for documentation and title fees which, again, represents pure profit for the dealer. Thankfully, I've never had a colonoscopy but I can't imagine that even being awake during the procedure could be any worse than the reaming I got from Matt Bowers. But I knew that if I didn't buy it, someone else quickly would. Also, I was quite frankly exhausted from all the car searching and just wanted it to be over.
After they had detailed it and filled the tank, I had the arduous challenge of getting my car and the Elantra through the crush of New Orleans rush-hour traffic. Back in 2020, I had a similar experience leaving the dealership with my new Fusion right as Hurricane Delta passed over. Honestly, I'd rather take my chances again with the tornadoes than the raging cajuns on the 610 Expressway where you have to drive like you're a participant in Mad Max: Fury Road.
Escape from LA: New Orleans' Rush Hour Traffic is a Battlefield.
Needless to say, I was confident in my abilities but it was my 19 year-old daughter driving an unfamiliar car in those conditions that made me a nervous wreck. Matt Bowers is the first dealership I've ever purchased a car from where they require immediate proof of insurance on the vehicle before you can leave and now I see why. For 2023, the most current calendar year on record, there were 6,344 traffic accidents in Orleans Parish which accounted for 41 fatalities and 10,621 injuries. I didn't want us included in those statistics so I did my best to drive slowly and make deliberate lane changes so that she could keep up. After the longest Louisiana exodus of my life, we made it into Mississippi and traffic opened up enough for us to maintain a steady pace of 80 mph on the interstate.
VIRTUAL VISIONS
Turns out it's quite simple to travel around The Big Easy when it's all done from behind a keyboard and a blazing fast 2 Gbps internet connection. Popular points of interest include: Superdome sightseeing, parking beside a $4 million Bugatti Chiron Super Sport, a Mardi Gras night parade, sunrise over the famous Crescent City Bridge and racing a riverboat on the mighty Mississippi waterway. And as for the last picture, I disavow any knowledge of why there was a gratuitous image of a scantily-clad supermodel dancing barefoot on the Elantra's hood.
But, Lady Luck was on my side when I inquired about adding the Elantra to our insurance as it was revealed that her 2019 model was unaffected by the ring of thefts since it uses a traditional key instead of a Push Button Start. Additionally, her Elantra GT was also the last model with a conventional six-speed automatic transmission before Hyundai switched to the unwelcome CVT. Aside from it's inherent unreliability, I just can't stand the artificial operation of a CVT. My work car is a 2024 Nissan and the spongy behavior is infuriating for a driving enthusiast such as myself.
This ends one chapter and begins another for Victoria. Her wrecked Kia sold at Copart's auction for $5,900 to an anonymous bidder. However, when you factor in another $10K for parts, labor and transaction fees, it's not a good investment for a car that has the diminished value of a salvage title and is virtually uninsurable.
Amanda's 2015 Hyundai Santa Fe recently celebrated it's Bicentennial birthday passing 200,000 miles so we're hoping for similar reliability from Victoria's new Elantra GT. As the miles and months pile on, I'll have a follow-up report.
Finally free from Scarlet Fever, we arrived safely at home in Hurley.
The End.
